Disconsolation

These helpless scars that haunt my flesh, remind me of thin-skinned days.

When words and thoughts cut far deeper than any blade. 

Each cut, each scratch, each bite mark, leaving it’s own vicious story behind. 

Fathoming the disarray isn’t so easy right now, with a hurricane causing havoc in my mind.

Dysphoria screams down the empty, corrupt pathways of my brain. 

My eyes have glazed over, I’m forever mistaken for a china doll. Skin so delicate, so porcelain.

My skin is like a tiger’s, bold and bright.

Each cut, each scratch, each bite mark, showing that I fought the fight. 

So let me show you this, listen to me roar.

I fell victim to my mind once, but not anymore. 

Scars come and go like trains to a station.

But at somepoint they stop, so please be patient.

The past won’t ever change, so why wistfully wish.

You could be a newly growing wild flower that does nothing but flourish.


If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

๐Ÿ™‚

A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

After being awake all night watching stupid videos on YouTube and crying with laughter at memes on my news feed, I thought I’d go through my old photos and see if there were any hidden treasures I hadn’t seen in a while… (I usually find drunken photos of my friend’s boobs on my phone – standard)!

I got back to November (this is about 1,700 photos into my camera reel) and came across a photo I had never seen before. I remember it being taken, I also remember the guilt that consumed me right after.

You’re probably thinking it’s a bad photo with bad connotations. Surprisingly though, it isn’t. It’s of two people stood next to each other smiling. To most people, the photo wouldn’t bring up any immediate negative feelings… but the second I saw it I had what felt like a tidal wave of culpability crash into me. 

Over the last 3 years, I have tried to commit suicide off of the ‘Faithful Servant’ about 4 or 5 times. I’ve had about 10 people all together chip in to save my life each time. Including the man I only know as the ‘ferry guy’. 

I wish I knew his name so I could write him a letter thanking him for all the times he’s hauled me back from the edge of the boat kicking and screaming. For talking to me when I was in the depths of darkness. For assuring I have someone with me on the ferry whenever I were to get on it.

But above all.

For stopping me one night and saying to me “How are you doing? You look so much healthier and happier now… it’s nice to see”.

A man who didn’t even want a thankyou for the stuff he helped me through. He may see it as just a small thing, but his words have stuck with me for almost a year now.

It’s been almost a year since my last ever attempt at suicide. It was the first time I realised that life isn’t worth giving up on. That I deserve to be here, that no thoughts will ever detract from my true worth.

I need to let this man know how incredible he is and how much I appreciate what he said and did for me when he didn’t have to.


Never underestimate the kindness of strangers because one day, one might save your life.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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13 Reasons Why You Should Stay Alive

In light of the series ’13 Reasons Why’, I thought it’d be an idea to write a list of 13 reasons why you shouldn’t turn to suicide. In the last 365 days, I’ve tried committing suicide 5 times… each time regretting the last. 

I’m not going to sugar coat this blog post in anyway. I’ve been there, tried it multiple times and have come out the otherside. Trust me, it’s dumb. 

Death doesn’t relieve any pain

Once you’re gone, that’s it. Death won and you lost the battle. Your pain ends, but you pass your pain and a lot more onto every person around you. Your parents, siblings, work colleagues, friends and even acquaintances. You’ll leave them with sleepless nights, constant tears, guilty minds wondering what they could have done to stop you from being selfish.

You’ve survived up until now

Youve lived 100% of your life up until this moment, you’ve been alive every single second. You’ve been alive while people are out in space and people are at new depths of the Earth’s oceans. The people who made these things possible are just like you and I. Why don’t you achieve greatness too?

You become a statistic

When ONS publish their statistics on suicide, your name won’t get mentioned. You get shoved into a number of anonymous people who ‘were too weak to face life’. All the time you’re here on this planet, you can get your name spoken and your story heard. You can do anything if you stay here another day.

You will find people who are in a similar situation

I’m talking about you – ECS girls! Going through therapy, especially a group setting can really help you piece together your own mind. I met some mad hatters in my last therapy group, but they’re the best and I know they’re always there for me to talk to if I need to!

You owe it to youself to heal

You should allow yourself the chance to mend, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You may think that the end is nigh because right now is difficult. It won’t stay this way forever.

Everything is temporary

“This, too, shall pass”. 

This quote has many different connotations to religion and human history. Nothing will be the same in an hours time, after all… the darkest hour is only 60 minutes long right? Hang on in there for 60 minutes, I promise you’ll be grateful that you did.

The butterfly effect 

If you’re not familiar with this concept, it means that if a butterfly were to flap it’s wings one side of the world, that it could cause a hurricane over the opposite side – small things factor into larger consequences. So if you were to kill yourself, if a butterfly could cause a hurricane… what would your loss cause? Armageddon?

Desiderata

My dad showed me this poem only last night, but a particular section in it resonates with me so much.

“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should”.

You were placed into this universe for a reason and you should not take that privilege lightly.

Things can’t get any worse 

You want to kill yourself, this is the worst it can be. Now it’s a steady climb back up, you have to hit rock bottom before you can start again.

Think about it

As my favourite author Matt Haig said in his book ‘Reasons To Stay Alive’; “three in the morning is never the time to sort your life”. It’s also not the right time to think about ending it either. You should be in a blissful sleep, not aware of your surroundings.

Make a crisis plan

This was the best thing I’ve ever done, my psychiatrist has a copy of my crisis plan incase I ever try and do something stupid again. All I need to do is get someone to phone the MHT and they’ll be guided through what I put down would help me when I’m in distress. Crisis plans include what to say to you/not say to you. Who should be around you and who shouldn’t. Things that can calm you quickly, I have a particular song that zones me out in seconds. Trust me, a crisis plan is literally a life saver.

You are the only ‘you’

You’re made up of star dust, you walk the land that prehistoric creatures roamed hundreds of thousands of years ago. You breathe the same air as every animal on this planet. Heck! You share a large amount of DNA with a banana! You’re such a perfect array of atoms. There will never be another you.

I’ll miss you

I may not know you personally, I may not ever cross your path in life. But every day I take a moment out to mourn in some way to all of the people who are no longer around. Whether I know them or not, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt to know that most of the people who have committed suicide would probably have regretted it if they had failed and survived. From how close I’ve been to death, regret was the only thing that surged through my body. Your soul is too beautiful to destroy.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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I Could Have Died

โ€‹Uploading this is something I didn’t think I would be doing, for the last 12 months I’ve had a horrendous obsession with alcohol. Far beyond someone my age. I’ve been sectioned, arrested twice and taken to Hospital.

I guess you could class this as a form of illness. I’ve tried cutting down on drinking many times over the last year but so much shit happened that it was my main coping mechanism.

I see people talking about how they’ve been gobby to the police or have had a slagging match with the local drunk. But this is a far bigger issue…
Every single time last year I tried taking my life – I was wankered. Alcohol gave me a safety blanket from my feelings so I cared less about my thoughts and actions.

In particular – spirits (Rum, Jรคger and Vodka were always my choices).I would mix my drinks heavily on a night out and had a bad habit of ‘blacking out’ midway through the night. I could barely rememeber anything the next day.

I’ve known deep down that I’ve needed to either heavily cut down on alcohol or completely stop drinking for the last year. I’ve just been too coward to do it, the thought of being the boring one on a night out criticising how shit the tacky decor and sticky floor in Popworld is. I wanted to be the party animal, the life of the party I guess you could say.

But I’d always get the wrong attention, it would either be a crowd of people seeing me about to attempt suicide or the police cornering me to try and get me in a meat wagon.

After heavy drinking, I’ve ended up attacking my best friend. My own parents, (there is video footage of this that I may add to this at a later date). Almost screwing up my NHS career because of my stupid addiction to drinking.

Everyone else carries on even through my bollocks, the only person I’m screwing up and putting in jeopardy is myself. It’s hard to think that I’ve abused myself as much as I have at such a young age. I’m not even 21 yet and I could be 6 feet under right now.

I could have lost my life so many times last year but I didn’t so that’s telling me that I need to push on through this battle and win the fight.

The video this is linked to is from New Year just gone (so 8 days ago). I don’t remember anything from the night. As you can hear in the video, my body temperature was 35.7ยฐc, 0.7ยฐc above Hypothermia, if I had fallen below that I could have died easily. 

My heart rate was 124 bpm due to me being so cold. My Oxygen Saturation was 95% which is considered normal. I hit my head 3 times that night, once on a radiator, once on the floor and once suspected on a toilet seat.

I was refusing to go to Hospital, I just wanted to head home and sleep it off. But because I had hit my head, I had concussion so they took me in to Hospital to get checked out. I was asleep as we went into 2017 and ended up with huge lumps all over my head (I looked like the Himalayas!)

To everyone that night who was there for me, I’m so sorry for it all. I also thankyou so much for being there, especially everyone in the video. I’m so grateful of you. 

So we are now in the New Year, I’ve quit smoking, I’m staying sober for 7 months until my 21st and even then I’m only going to have a few on my birthday.

I’m never letting myself become so dependant on alcohol ever again. I almost fucked my life up, I almost ended my life.

My family have almost turned their backs on me a number of times, I’ve destroyed some of my closes friendships from this.

If you’re struggling, please please please don’t get yourself in a position like this. You can get out of this situation, I promise you.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you!

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Young, Dumb and Full of Cum

So today is the day we all look back over the last year and sift through the great memories we’ve made and also all of the utter bollocks that we’ve been through.

As a soon to be 21-year-old, I can’t help but notice that many people my age are wanting to grow up too fast. They’re rushing through the months as if they have nothing better to do. They don’t seem to be taking time out right now to appreciate what they have around them.

Everyone wants it to be next year so they can do the things they want, but I have a question for all of those people… why wish today away when you could be doing that thing right now?

I’ve witnessed so many young adults, including myself, go through one heck of a year. A ton of my friends have either got engaged or are pregnant/have had children. Others have had their hearts ripped out and have spiralled out of control like I did.

Young people are so hard on themselves nowadays, they feel so pressured to be things that not everyone’s cut out to be. Fuck being a beauty guru, shove your diet out the window and just be happy!

Being young isn’t about being serious, it’s about having fun. Some people’s idea of fun is having a family, good on you! For many of us, it’s about letting our hair down and finally growing into ourselves.

From the beginning of the year up until now, I’ve changed a lot. At the beginning of the year I felt like I always needed someone to rely on and that I wouldn’t be happy by myself. It took my last relationship to realise that I was more than capable of being a happy single young woman.

The days of meaningless one night flings are gone, the drug taking has been knocked on the head and I’ve finally settled into being a much more confident me.

My New Years resolution is not to quit smoking, to stop eating certain foods or to keep fit. My resolution is just for me to stay happy, to stay at peace with myself like I have been recently. The spark that I thought I’d lost has completely returned.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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It’s The Most Depressing Time Of The Year

It’s December now, so it’s time to reflect on the past 11/12 months! This last year has been the most destructive year of my life to date. I’m going to break it down month by month.

January

To start the year, I was heading to the gym regularly, I was happily a size 6 in clothing and I was feeling more confident than I ever had. However, this was also the month that I was drinking 4-5 times a week, sleeping with random people and off my nut on Ecstasy and Cocaine. I’d hit the self destruct button and there was no going back.

February

February was the same as January pretty much, still drinking shit tons. Still taking a load of drugs. Being a massive whore, I honestly couldn’t give a shit about my body back then. I got caught up in the wrong crowd of people and lost myself completely. 

March

It was back in March that I met my ex Matt, 4 days after a good friend tragically got killed in a Motorbike crash. This was the first time this year that I tried to kill myself, it was also the month that I got shoved into a Psychiatric unit. This was the month that I decided that the drugs were screwing me over massively so I completely knocked them on the head. 

April

April was a bit better, things with Matt had taken off and I was the happiest I had been in many years. I had sworn never to touch drugs again (still clean now 10 months on!). I didn’t try anything stupid this month.

May

I tried ending my life infront of my bestfriend  (fuck knows why he’s stuck about!). I’d been doing so well not to harm myself and I fell straight back to square one again.

June

June was okay I guess, nothing really happened this month.

July

My 20th rolled around! I spent it with some of the best friends ever, I went away with my ex for a weekend into the middle of nowhere and it was amazing! Log fuelled hot tub and everything! (I even broke a bucket list wish of mine… I’m sure smart asses can guess what that was!).

August

Matt and I started hitting a shit patch and our relationship didn’t feel the same anymore but we agreed to carry on trying to make it work.

September

I don’t remember much from then either to be honest. It’s all a blur really.

October 

I couldn’t hack my relationship at this point and headed up to Watford to break up with Matt. I wasn’t as happy as I had been, I felt like I would be able to find someone more capable of helping understand my mind. Two days after the break up I slept with another person, I told him out of complete guilt and he used me as an emotional and verbal punchbag. I didn’t deserve the severity of abuse I got though. 

November

I tried harming myself again this month, but my parents witnessed it. My mum filmed exactly what happened, I ended up assaulting my parents and being shoved in a police cell over night. 

December

This brings us to present day, I am no longer taking drugs, I am not drinking again for a very long time and I am transferring to a vape soon. So I guess I’m #STRAIGHTEDGE. ๐Ÿ˜‰

This year has been fucking tough, but you have to step back before you leap forward. 

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

๐Ÿ™‚

Being Inside a Psychiatric Unit

I’m going to cut straight to the point – being inside a psychiatric unit as a patient is one of the scariest things that I’ve ever experienced.

This is the first time I’m explaining in detail what happened that night back in March.

The day was March 12th 2016, I’d been out drinking with a few friends to have farewell drinks for a dear friend that had passed away a few days before. The morning of March 13th I’d been detained and sent to the middle of Southampton. My Dad was the person who told the police to detain me, I was completely out of control to the point that even he couldn’t cope with it – and that man can carry a lot of bullshit!

I was in the back of a police van with a police officer, he was purposely twisting my wrist with the handcuffs on to make me wince in agony. I was in such a horrific way and he leant over to me and said “have you got Facebook?”. I was absolutely stunned to think that a man of authority, who was supposed to be caring for me said something as unprofessional as that. 

I got hauled up to Cosham in the back of the van and got transfered to two men in another vehicle. I felt like a fucking ragdoll being passed from pillar to post! 

This officer grabbed me by the shoulders and yanked me out of the van as if I was a fucking quadriplegic. I was then handed over to two Medisec workers.

Two men… again! Fucking great. I was disorientated and scared knowing that I was going to be locked in the back of a car with two men again for atleast another 45 minutes. I had shoved myself right up into the corner of the backseat. I was ripping chunks of my hair out, I was shaking like a leaf. 

Thinking back, it was stupid of them to not check my bag while leaving me handcuff free in the back. I had a pen knife and half a bottle of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum still on me. Silly people…

We got to Antelope house and they registered me in, by this point it was about half 6 in the morning and I was dying for a cigarette. I ended up going out to smoke with an officer and the psychiatrist. I was stood in this tiny box courtyard that made me feel like I was inside of a prison. The walls were atleast 20-25ft high. 

I remember gazing into the sky and telling myself that I didn’t belong in that place. I wanted to shake myself awake from the bad dream. I started to think it was a dream until I felt cold splats of water hitting the apples of my cheeks. It had started raining and I didn’t have a bloody jacket with me.

I was placed into a white-walled room with peeling paint from floor to roof. I slumped myself onto the ‘mattress’ – I put that in quotations as it was no thicker than a babies changing mat.

I was given a blanket and was set to hit the pillow until one if the Medisec guys popped his head round the door and said “you must be starving, do you want anything to eat?”. I hastily thanked him but politely rejected. 

I was so paranoid that I hid under the blanket while questioning why he’d offered me food. “He’s laced it with Rohipnol… Maybe he’s just innocently asking… NO! He’s definitely laced it with something. Why would he do that!? How has he got a job working with people like me. Who would allow someone like him to offer people food. How putrid!”

Looking back now he was just doing his job, making sure I was as comfortable as I could be in that human ‘kennel’. I resurfaced from under the blanket and started questioning myself more “I’m 19 years old, why the hell am I sat in this box? This is like something out of a thriller movie. I do not belong here, what the fuck lead me to this point? How the fuck have I ended up in this state at such a young age!?”

I couldn’t answer any of my questions and fell into a light sleep, only to be woken 15 minutes later by a short, stocky woman saying that she’d be waking me up every half hour and peering in every 15 minutes to make sure I was still alive. Suicide watch – a bit like Bay Watch but instead of skimpy red swimsuits, it was baggy grey jumpers.
I groaned when she said it but agreed, although now I needed the toilet. So here I was banging on the door to get out so I could pee. I got escorted 2 meters to the bloody toilet cubicle. Like an old Cowboy film – there was a saloon-like door between me peeing and the 3 people keeping an eye on me. I felt like a bloody animal knowing that they could hear me wee! So I started to hum Bohemian Rhapsody really loud to try and drown out the tinkle and one of the guys ended up whistling along.

After I’d washed my hands, the whistler asked me if I had anything in my bag that I shouldn’t have. I had the Rum, the penknife and an empty baggy that had previously had coke in concealed in a little gap in my purse. I told them about the rum and penknife. The guy said that they would have to pour the Rum away, I felt my heart sink. “I only bought that today!..” I said sternly but in a joking manner. “…Do what you need”I continued.

So byebye Rum, hello distraught Ciara.

Anyways, for the next few hours I’m woken up so often that I may aswell have just stayed awake. I got up from the bed and started hearing noises from down the corridor. A woman was screaming and banging the walls, that started World War III in the building! Some guy who sounded about 40 was barking down the corridor telling her to shut up.

I ended up sitting with the people watching me and was even offered a Twix by one of them, bless him. I needed the toilet again but this time, I noticed in the corner of the cubicle a blue bucket with my empty bottle of Rum in it. “Bastards” I thought to myself, “hang on a moment, I could easily smash that and start self harming with it.” 

The second I got out the cubicle I vented my frustration about the bottle being left, especially after knowing why I had been brought in.

The rest of the night is a blur to me now really.

Please do not ever let yourself get so unwell that you have to experience a place like that because I promise you, it’ll fuck your head up more.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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