Master of Deception

I’m not gonna bore you with all of the stuff most bloggers will be posting currently… the whole ‘new year, new me’ bullshit. You’re still the same idiot you were a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. You aren’t foolin’ me honey bee!

I want to write an uplifting post for the first time in around half a year – that makes me sound like I’m still a depressive mong doped-up on all kinds of meds from the doctor. “Here’s 5 Cyanide pills just incase one isn’t enough to put your stupid ass to sleep for the rest of eternity” – thanks doc!

In all seriousness though… I’ve really grown the fuck up since last year and even the year before that. I was selfish, manipulative and arrogant… basically a massive arsehole! But a switch flicked inside me and I realised I was a raging douche that needed to sort herself out. During the previous couple of years, I felt sub-human, I felt like I deserved no one’s love or compassion except the black dog that was always barking in my head. 

I found solace in the havoc. The sense of self I was adamant was true, was just a facade, to cover my deluded mind set. 

I was a master of deception.

I had grown so used to putting on an external mask, I convinced myself I was better when really I was just trying to polish a turd. Things were mounting up to the point that it was almost unbearable. I could see the surface of the ocean but had an anchor tied to my ankles.

Last year was a true test of my character. I did many things I never thought I’d have the courage to do.

I rid myself of toxic people, negativity breeds negativity. I worked in a mental health unit as an Auxiliary nurse. I applied and successfully got a job which will set my career path up. I travelled through Europe and visited Auschwitz, the Berlin wall and the Red Light District! And after everything… I forgave my rapist and got the closure I needed to be able to move on.

This year will be full of light, love and positivity!

Trust me, if Kiwi can cope… so can you! 🙂

💚💚💚

Advertisements

It’s The Most Depressing Time Of The Year

It’s December now, so it’s time to reflect on the past 11/12 months! This last year has been the most destructive year of my life to date. I’m going to break it down month by month.

January

To start the year, I was heading to the gym regularly, I was happily a size 6 in clothing and I was feeling more confident than I ever had. However, this was also the month that I was drinking 4-5 times a week, sleeping with random people and off my nut on Ecstasy and Cocaine. I’d hit the self destruct button and there was no going back.

February

February was the same as January pretty much, still drinking shit tons. Still taking a load of drugs. Being a massive whore, I honestly couldn’t give a shit about my body back then. I got caught up in the wrong crowd of people and lost myself completely. 

March

It was back in March that I met my ex Matt, 4 days after a good friend tragically got killed in a Motorbike crash. This was the first time this year that I tried to kill myself, it was also the month that I got shoved into a Psychiatric unit. This was the month that I decided that the drugs were screwing me over massively so I completely knocked them on the head. 

April

April was a bit better, things with Matt had taken off and I was the happiest I had been in many years. I had sworn never to touch drugs again (still clean now 10 months on!). I didn’t try anything stupid this month.

May

I tried ending my life infront of my bestfriend  (fuck knows why he’s stuck about!). I’d been doing so well not to harm myself and I fell straight back to square one again.

June

June was okay I guess, nothing really happened this month.

July

My 20th rolled around! I spent it with some of the best friends ever, I went away with my ex for a weekend into the middle of nowhere and it was amazing! Log fuelled hot tub and everything! (I even broke a bucket list wish of mine… I’m sure smart asses can guess what that was!).

August

Matt and I started hitting a shit patch and our relationship didn’t feel the same anymore but we agreed to carry on trying to make it work.

September

I don’t remember much from then either to be honest. It’s all a blur really.

October 

I couldn’t hack my relationship at this point and headed up to Watford to break up with Matt. I wasn’t as happy as I had been, I felt like I would be able to find someone more capable of helping understand my mind. Two days after the break up I slept with another person, I told him out of complete guilt and he used me as an emotional and verbal punchbag. I didn’t deserve the severity of abuse I got though. 

November

I tried harming myself again this month, but my parents witnessed it. My mum filmed exactly what happened, I ended up assaulting my parents and being shoved in a police cell over night. 

December

This brings us to present day, I am no longer taking drugs, I am not drinking again for a very long time and I am transferring to a vape soon. So I guess I’m #STRAIGHTEDGE. 😉

This year has been fucking tough, but you have to step back before you leap forward. 

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂