Products of Our Environment

So as the title states – I’m gonna be sharing my own story about my younger life and growing up with a history of mental illness in my family.

Now, I’m not sure whether it’s purely coincidental, whether it’s hereditary or whether being in an environment where mental illness was prevalent was a norm for me as a child and perhaps made me more susceptible to becoming mentally unwell.

Does mental illness flow through my veins, beat in my heart and thrive off my healthy mind?

A woman very dear to me has struggled with inner demons for as long as I can remember. I was about 9 when I first began to notice that something wasn’t quite right. She’d spend days in bed, she wouldn’t eat, she wouldn’t even wash. With hind sight and personal experience I can now see that she was in an incredibly deep rooted depression.

It didn’t last days, or weeks… it lasted years.

I began to notice these traits in myself a number of years ago which was a very scary thing for me. I didn’t want to have a halted life because my mind would throw a fit every once in a while.

I decided to push on through, to finish studying Forensic Science, to get an unconditional offer at the university I wanted to study at – although I dropped out! I’ve worked in the Mental Health field and am now heading into working for the Ministry of Justice.

It’s ok to be abnormal, I wouldn’t have thrived as much if I was never unwell or had never battled with addiction.

If I could meet my 9 year old self, I would tell her that she would be okay. That her mum would win the uphill struggle. I’m now 21 and have almost set myself up for life.

This is the year everything changes!

If Kiwi can cope, so can you!

🙂

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Dealing with my BPD

I’ve posted a few times about myself being a borderline sufferer and how it’s impacted on me. After reading through the posts, they all had a very negative outlook on what it’s like to have this illness.

I always wrote about the situations I noticed my BPD worsening in and my reactions – but never how I got over the hurdles it made me face.

Being a borderline isn’t glamorous or fun, to put it bluntly – it’s fucking shit! My borderline still lingers around every day but the way I’ve learnt to cope and work alongside it has changed and I’m now at a place where I can say I can keep it in check.

My BPD is mainly to do with abandonment issues and relationships that fizzle out super quick because I’m just so goddamn bored! Sometimes when my anxiety is bad I start to become delusional. I think the most ludicrous things are real and that life is just a joke.

I remember when it first got really bad, I had watched a documentary about the phone hacking scandal that happened a few years back. I got it into my head that I was being spied on constantly, that people were hacking into my phone, reading my messages and listening to my calls. Although why I thought that the government would be interested in knowing that I wanted my Mumma to pick me up a McDonald’s en route back from shopping – I’ll never know!

I’m glad I can laugh about it now because back then, I was petrified to talk to people. I felt like I had no privacy and it made me feel even more vulnerable.

There is no quick fix when it comes to dealing with BPD. There’s also no set treatment that can make it better for everyone. 

Just nurture yourself and love yourself, BPD feasts on your inner vulnerabilities. The second you start doubting your mind and recovery, it will consume you.

Keep your life free of as much drama as you can. Don’t put unnecessary tension on yourself that could hinder your recovery. 

BPD will always be there, but you don’t have to run away from it forever. Put up two fighting fists and show it what you’re made of!

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

5 Years On 

As people may or may not know (depending on how much of my blog they have read)… today marks 5 years since I was groomed and sexually assaulted by someone who was close to my family and I.

These last 5 years have been fucking hard, growing up with the weight of a sexual assault on your shoulders completely changes you. I was introduced to the world of sex way before my time and it’s had a massive impact on my sexual relations since.

The amount of time I’ve had to end having sex with someone because I’ve broken down in tears is countless. The amount of times I’ve had nightmares about that night cannot be counted. Being so vulnerable and easily manipulated at such a young age is sickening.

Being preyed on and betrayed by someone I trusted is still hard to accept. It’s completely screwed up my trust in people, I can’t allow people to get too close to me. I can’t commit to relationships in fear that it will haunt me forever.

Going through the mental trauma that’s caused by something like this is indescribable, I still think that I see him everywhere, I still replay the things he said to me in my head. It’s such an embarrassing thing to go through. I still blame myself to this day about what happened.

Maybe I could have been more aware? Maybe I could have done something differently?

But the truth is, no one is ever prepared for something like that to happen to them. No one ever thinks that someone close to them could fuck their lives up that much.

It was a year ago I tried to hang myself while on holiday because I couldn’t handle what had happened – and this was 4 years on.

Now, I’m a stronger person than I ever had been. I almost never wrote my blog in fear that he may stumble across it one day and read it. But if you ever do see this, fuck you. You are disgusting.

Never let something like this rule your life forever.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂