Master of Deception

I’m not gonna bore you with all of the stuff most bloggers will be posting currently… the whole ‘new year, new me’ bullshit. You’re still the same idiot you were a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. You aren’t foolin’ me honey bee!

I want to write an uplifting post for the first time in around half a year – that makes me sound like I’m still a depressive mong doped-up on all kinds of meds from the doctor. “Here’s 5 Cyanide pills just incase one isn’t enough to put your stupid ass to sleep for the rest of eternity” – thanks doc!

In all seriousness though… I’ve really grown the fuck up since last year and even the year before that. I was selfish, manipulative and arrogant… basically a massive arsehole! But a switch flicked inside me and I realised I was a raging douche that needed to sort herself out. During the previous couple of years, I felt sub-human, I felt like I deserved no one’s love or compassion except the black dog that was always barking in my head. 

I found solace in the havoc. The sense of self I was adamant was true, was just a facade, to cover my deluded mind set. 

I was a master of deception.

I had grown so used to putting on an external mask, I convinced myself I was better when really I was just trying to polish a turd. Things were mounting up to the point that it was almost unbearable. I could see the surface of the ocean but had an anchor tied to my ankles.

Last year was a true test of my character. I did many things I never thought I’d have the courage to do.

I rid myself of toxic people, negativity breeds negativity. I worked in a mental health unit as an Auxiliary nurse. I applied and successfully got a job which will set my career path up. I travelled through Europe and visited Auschwitz, the Berlin wall and the Red Light District! And after everything… I forgave my rapist and got the closure I needed to be able to move on.

This year will be full of light, love and positivity!

Trust me, if Kiwi can cope… so can you! πŸ™‚

πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’š

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Forgiving my rapist

Okay so this is going to be blurted out how I’m thinking it. Today has been the most difficult and incredible day of my entire life so far. For the last few weeks my depression has hit absolute rock bottom, the worst it has been since I was diagnosed 4 years ago.

I never thought about seeking revenge from the person who sexually assaulted me because I was too caught up in my own self blame. I was too busy hurting myself or thinking I had done something wrong.

He seemed far more repairable than how I was left after the situation. No amount of hatred I had or loathing for vengeance would heal my mental scars.

I never once thought I would do what I did today, I never experienced any anger towards this man. Only sympathy, emptiness and guilt. The whole “wrong place, wrong time” saying.

My mind has been replaying these raw emotions in the back of my mind for a few weeks and it really hit the surface only a few days ago. I’d suppressed the memories so much due to how much trauma it caused me at such a young age. I have been barely a shadow of the person I was half a year ago. I’ve not recognised myself recently. 

I decided that the only way I would heal the wounds from what happened was forgiveness.

Today, I forgave my rapist.

I made him aware of the demons I have faced at the hands of what had happened. That my life spiralled out of control after December 24th 2011 at around 10:45pm.

I wanted acknowledgement for what had happened to me so I didn’t feel like I was another rape victim swept under the carpet. I got the apology I so truly deserved.

To many people, an apology would never even begin to heal the amount of suicide attempts, the self injury and the self hatred I had for over half a decade. But to me; it’s enough to move on.

To know I am a strong woman who has dealt with a traumatic experience, speaks reams about how far I have come in this time.

Forgiveness is not going to be everyone’s way to get closure. But it’s finally going to help me heal.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

5 Years OnΒ 

As people may or may not know (depending on how much of my blog they have read)… today marks 5 years since I was groomed and sexually assaulted by someone who was close to my family and I.

These last 5 years have been fucking hard, growing up with the weight of a sexual assault on your shoulders completely changes you. I was introduced to the world of sex way before my time and it’s had a massive impact on my sexual relations since.

The amount of time I’ve had to end having sex with someone because I’ve broken down in tears is countless. The amount of times I’ve had nightmares about that night cannot be counted. Being so vulnerable and easily manipulated at such a young age is sickening.

Being preyed on and betrayed by someone I trusted is still hard to accept. It’s completely screwed up my trust in people, I can’t allow people to get too close to me. I can’t commit to relationships in fear that it will haunt me forever.

Going through the mental trauma that’s caused by something like this is indescribable, I still think that I see him everywhere, I still replay the things he said to me in my head. It’s such an embarrassing thing to go through. I still blame myself to this day about what happened.

Maybe I could have been more aware? Maybe I could have done something differently?

But the truth is, no one is ever prepared for something like that to happen to them. No one ever thinks that someone close to them could fuck their lives up that much.

It was a year ago I tried to hang myself while on holiday because I couldn’t handle what had happened – and this was 4 years on.

Now, I’m a stronger person than I ever had been. I almost never wrote my blog in fear that he may stumble across it one day and read it. But if you ever do see this, fuck you. You are disgusting.

Never let something like this rule your life forever.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

πŸ™‚