A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

After being awake all night watching stupid videos on YouTube and crying with laughter at memes on my news feed, I thought I’d go through my old photos and see if there were any hidden treasures I hadn’t seen in a while… (I usually find drunken photos of my friend’s boobs on my phone – standard)!

I got back to November (this is about 1,700 photos into my camera reel) and came across a photo I had never seen before. I remember it being taken, I also remember the guilt that consumed me right after.

You’re probably thinking it’s a bad photo with bad connotations. Surprisingly though, it isn’t. It’s of two people stood next to each other smiling. To most people, the photo wouldn’t bring up any immediate negative feelings… but the second I saw it I had what felt like a tidal wave of culpability crash into me. 

Over the last 3 years, I have tried to commit suicide off of the ‘Faithful Servant’ about 4 or 5 times. I’ve had about 10 people all together chip in to save my life each time. Including the man I only know as the ‘ferry guy’. 

I wish I knew his name so I could write him a letter thanking him for all the times he’s hauled me back from the edge of the boat kicking and screaming. For talking to me when I was in the depths of darkness. For assuring I have someone with me on the ferry whenever I were to get on it.

But above all.

For stopping me one night and saying to me “How are you doing? You look so much healthier and happier now… it’s nice to see”.

A man who didn’t even want a thankyou for the stuff he helped me through. He may see it as just a small thing, but his words have stuck with me for almost a year now.

It’s been almost a year since my last ever attempt at suicide. It was the first time I realised that life isn’t worth giving up on. That I deserve to be here, that no thoughts will ever detract from my true worth.

I need to let this man know how incredible he is and how much I appreciate what he said and did for me when he didn’t have to.

Never underestimate the kindness of strangers because one day, one might save your life.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.



Ups and Downs

Today I woke up from a dream with tears streaming down my face and a massive aching in my chest. Moments before I was asleep next to the one person I love, cuddled up in amongst the covers. He was sleeping peacefully, the lines on his forehead twitched every now and then. My hair was stuck in his velcro-like facial hair. Our limbs were entwined – anyone looking at us would have thought we were the Hindu God Vishnu.

Citalopram is a godsend and a product from hell all in one. I get vivid, mundane dreams that I could swear are real. I’ve found that I have a sensory element to many of my dreams. I can feel things and even on occasions, taste things.

Dreams like this are just another addition to the long list of things that come with a breakup I guess.

I tried to convince myself that I could get through it positively – that was just a hard exterior. The best way to visualise it is like a crustacean. I’ve got a strong exoskeleton, but take that away and I’m a delicate, squishy blob. 

The best way to get through things like this, is to not think of yourself as a vulnerable squishy blob… but it’s okay to be one from time to time. There isn’t a right way to deal with situations like this. Just make sure you sort it out the way YOU need to. People can give you all the advice in the world, but that’s usually just going on their experiences. Which could be completely different to anything that you have experienced.

Take time out to find yourself again, after a long relationship. ‘You’ doesn’t feel the same anymore, ‘you’ are an alien to yourself. It was always ‘we’ and ‘us’.

But you were always there, turn the ‘W’ in ‘we’ upside down – it becomes ‘me’. Take the ‘s’ out of ‘us’, you then become ‘u’ again. 

You may feel lost right now, but you will always find yourself again. Even in the midst of what seems like Armageddon.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.