Disconsolation

These helpless scars that haunt my flesh, remind me of thin-skinned days.

When words and thoughts cut far deeper than any blade. 

Each cut, each scratch, each bite mark, leaving it’s own vicious story behind. 

Fathoming the disarray isn’t so easy right now, with a hurricane causing havoc in my mind.

Dysphoria screams down the empty, corrupt pathways of my brain. 

My eyes have glazed over, I’m forever mistaken for a china doll. Skin so delicate, so porcelain.

My skin is like a tiger’s, bold and bright.

Each cut, each scratch, each bite mark, showing that I fought the fight. 

So let me show you this, listen to me roar.

I fell victim to my mind once, but not anymore. 

Scars come and go like trains to a station.

But at somepoint they stop, so please be patient.

The past won’t ever change, so why wistfully wish.

You could be a newly growing wild flower that does nothing but flourish.


If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

I Could Have Died

​Uploading this is something I didn’t think I would be doing, for the last 12 months I’ve had a horrendous obsession with alcohol. Far beyond someone my age. I’ve been sectioned, arrested twice and taken to Hospital.

I guess you could class this as a form of illness. I’ve tried cutting down on drinking many times over the last year but so much shit happened that it was my main coping mechanism.

I see people talking about how they’ve been gobby to the police or have had a slagging match with the local drunk. But this is a far bigger issue…
Every single time last year I tried taking my life – I was wankered. Alcohol gave me a safety blanket from my feelings so I cared less about my thoughts and actions.

In particular – spirits (Rum, Jäger and Vodka were always my choices).I would mix my drinks heavily on a night out and had a bad habit of ‘blacking out’ midway through the night. I could barely rememeber anything the next day.

I’ve known deep down that I’ve needed to either heavily cut down on alcohol or completely stop drinking for the last year. I’ve just been too coward to do it, the thought of being the boring one on a night out criticising how shit the tacky decor and sticky floor in Popworld is. I wanted to be the party animal, the life of the party I guess you could say.

But I’d always get the wrong attention, it would either be a crowd of people seeing me about to attempt suicide or the police cornering me to try and get me in a meat wagon.

After heavy drinking, I’ve ended up attacking my best friend. My own parents, (there is video footage of this that I may add to this at a later date). Almost screwing up my NHS career because of my stupid addiction to drinking.

Everyone else carries on even through my bollocks, the only person I’m screwing up and putting in jeopardy is myself. It’s hard to think that I’ve abused myself as much as I have at such a young age. I’m not even 21 yet and I could be 6 feet under right now.

I could have lost my life so many times last year but I didn’t so that’s telling me that I need to push on through this battle and win the fight.

The video this is linked to is from New Year just gone (so 8 days ago). I don’t remember anything from the night. As you can hear in the video, my body temperature was 35.7°c, 0.7°c above Hypothermia, if I had fallen below that I could have died easily. 

My heart rate was 124 bpm due to me being so cold. My Oxygen Saturation was 95% which is considered normal. I hit my head 3 times that night, once on a radiator, once on the floor and once suspected on a toilet seat.

I was refusing to go to Hospital, I just wanted to head home and sleep it off. But because I had hit my head, I had concussion so they took me in to Hospital to get checked out. I was asleep as we went into 2017 and ended up with huge lumps all over my head (I looked like the Himalayas!)

To everyone that night who was there for me, I’m so sorry for it all. I also thankyou so much for being there, especially everyone in the video. I’m so grateful of you. 

So we are now in the New Year, I’ve quit smoking, I’m staying sober for 7 months until my 21st and even then I’m only going to have a few on my birthday.

I’m never letting myself become so dependant on alcohol ever again. I almost fucked my life up, I almost ended my life.

My family have almost turned their backs on me a number of times, I’ve destroyed some of my closes friendships from this.

If you’re struggling, please please please don’t get yourself in a position like this. You can get out of this situation, I promise you.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you!

🙂

Young, Dumb and Full of Cum

So today is the day we all look back over the last year and sift through the great memories we’ve made and also all of the utter bollocks that we’ve been through.

As a soon to be 21-year-old, I can’t help but notice that many people my age are wanting to grow up too fast. They’re rushing through the months as if they have nothing better to do. They don’t seem to be taking time out right now to appreciate what they have around them.

Everyone wants it to be next year so they can do the things they want, but I have a question for all of those people… why wish today away when you could be doing that thing right now?

I’ve witnessed so many young adults, including myself, go through one heck of a year. A ton of my friends have either got engaged or are pregnant/have had children. Others have had their hearts ripped out and have spiralled out of control like I did.

Young people are so hard on themselves nowadays, they feel so pressured to be things that not everyone’s cut out to be. Fuck being a beauty guru, shove your diet out the window and just be happy!

Being young isn’t about being serious, it’s about having fun. Some people’s idea of fun is having a family, good on you! For many of us, it’s about letting our hair down and finally growing into ourselves.

From the beginning of the year up until now, I’ve changed a lot. At the beginning of the year I felt like I always needed someone to rely on and that I wouldn’t be happy by myself. It took my last relationship to realise that I was more than capable of being a happy single young woman.

The days of meaningless one night flings are gone, the drug taking has been knocked on the head and I’ve finally settled into being a much more confident me.

My New Years resolution is not to quit smoking, to stop eating certain foods or to keep fit. My resolution is just for me to stay happy, to stay at peace with myself like I have been recently. The spark that I thought I’d lost has completely returned.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

5 Years On 

As people may or may not know (depending on how much of my blog they have read)… today marks 5 years since I was groomed and sexually assaulted by someone who was close to my family and I.

These last 5 years have been fucking hard, growing up with the weight of a sexual assault on your shoulders completely changes you. I was introduced to the world of sex way before my time and it’s had a massive impact on my sexual relations since.

The amount of time I’ve had to end having sex with someone because I’ve broken down in tears is countless. The amount of times I’ve had nightmares about that night cannot be counted. Being so vulnerable and easily manipulated at such a young age is sickening.

Being preyed on and betrayed by someone I trusted is still hard to accept. It’s completely screwed up my trust in people, I can’t allow people to get too close to me. I can’t commit to relationships in fear that it will haunt me forever.

Going through the mental trauma that’s caused by something like this is indescribable, I still think that I see him everywhere, I still replay the things he said to me in my head. It’s such an embarrassing thing to go through. I still blame myself to this day about what happened.

Maybe I could have been more aware? Maybe I could have done something differently?

But the truth is, no one is ever prepared for something like that to happen to them. No one ever thinks that someone close to them could fuck their lives up that much.

It was a year ago I tried to hang myself while on holiday because I couldn’t handle what had happened – and this was 4 years on.

Now, I’m a stronger person than I ever had been. I almost never wrote my blog in fear that he may stumble across it one day and read it. But if you ever do see this, fuck you. You are disgusting.

Never let something like this rule your life forever.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

You Don’t Need To Be Perfect

As I was sat in a scorching hot bubble bath this evening while singing horrendously along to a Real Friends playlist. A new song that I had never heard from them started playing. The second I heard the lyrics, it made me think about a lot of stuff.

“I’ve been neglecting who I am, that’s just who I was back then. Don’t need to be perfect, just happy.”

For a moment, I started having major flashbacks on how hard I have been on myself for the last few years. In particular, the last 12 months.

I was beaten down by myself daily, I would tell myself that I was worthless and that I wasn’t worthy of being loved by anyone. Even when I was alone, I was never really alone. I had lost all hope in everything and everyone. I wasn’t living, I was merely surviving. I was constantly haunted in my own mind.

Trying to move forward after being diagnosed with mental illnesses is something that most people don’t think is possible.

The truth is that you won’t ever move on from it, it’ll always be a part of you. That’s okay though – there’s a massive stigma attached to the concept of invisible illnesses. The whole ‘seeing is believing’ saying is utter nonsense.

We’re allowed to be messed up, we’re allowed to make mistakes. That doesn’t mean that how far you or I have come has been completely undone.

Emotions and feelings – positive or negative – are part of our everyday lives. These are completely natural and unchangeable. The thing that a lot of people don’t understand is the difference between allowing emotions in and then the actions caused because of the emotion.

I can be absolutely livid if I want to be, that’s normal! The thing that needs to be thought about are the actions that come afterwards and the consequences from those actions.

There is not and will never be a guide on how to live the perfect life. Everyone needs to figure out which route they’re going to take on their own journeys through life. People will change their routes several times before they’re on the one best for them.

Don’t be heavy-footed, looking down at the ground through life. Take a few minutes out of each day and think about the things you want most in life. Get your arse on the route that will get you there and never look back.

I used to spend so much time waiting for the future to arrive that I got lost and forgot to enjoy my life as it was – regardless of how shit it was.

You don’t need to be perfect, you just need to be happy.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

The Warning Signs

On my Doctor’s records, I’ve been labelled with a whole list of jargon: depression, anxiety, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder and emotional dysregulation. To be quite frank, even I don’t understand half of the stuff!

I have been able to understand the side effects of each diagnosis though, the possible signs to look out for.

Bare in mind though, every human is very different to the next. Meaning their symptoms, behaviours and reactions can be broad.

Feeling sad and hopeless

The obvious one, feeling sad and/or hopeless. Now we’re not talking about crying at a sad movie or you having an argument with a friend. I’m talking about the heavy weight that’s constantly on your shoulders. The daily routine of waking up wishing you hadn’t, the gruelling thought of having to physically sit up in bed. 

You become a big blob of squishy stuff that makes you think that every breath you take makes you more vulnerable.

On the better days when you don’t feel so bad, you’re fixated on the thought of the black dog dragging you to the floor that they turn into bad days again.

Lacking in self hygiene 

Now I hate to admit this, but it’s the reality of depression. 

When I got really bad, I couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I was sleeping approximately 18 hours a day, every day of the week. 

The last thing on my mind was to brush my teeth, wash my hair, or even bath. I became a prisoner in my own head.

I’d panic if I left my bedroom, I wouldn’t eat for days and ended up losing about a stone and a half in the space of 3 weeks.

Lack of interest in activities

I stopped doing the things I loved; going to see my friends, heading to the gym and even speaking to my family.

I just wanted to be able to wallow in self pity.

The thought of doing things made me cry, I would emotionally blackmail people into not coming to see me and I started to lose my closest friends.

Lack of libido

This has had a massive impact on my life, I’ve never been able to properly have sex up until the last 10 months. 

I would become closed off and would hysterically cry for hours on end.

I would be physically sick every now and then after being intimate with someone.

I would feel vulnerable even in the presence of my ex.

Excessive sleeping 

The excessive sleeping is still something I struggle with even now that my depression is finally under control.

I’m constantly worn out even if I’ve done nothing but sit on the sofa all day.

I get tired walking up the stairs, I get tired standing up… I am always sooo bloody tired!

The need to be in control

I’ve found that I need to be in control of every single situation and if I’m not I get sent into a spiralled frenzy of depression.

I feel threatened if I’m not the one holding onto the reigns.

The most difficult thing is understanding that I won’t always be in control of every situation and that scares me

The future seems bleak

I never thought that I’d ever feel better, nor did I think I’d see the day that I’d be finally writing all of this down for everyone to see.

Depression makes you feel lonely and isolated, like you’re a freak and that you never deserve happiness. 

It makes you feel small.

Recurring nightmares

My PTSD brings on some of the most horrendous nightmares possible.

To make matters worse, a side affect of my anti-depressants is vivid dreaming so the nightmares feel real.

I’ve woken up in tears, with clumps of my hair all over my pillows and in my hands. I’ve even accidentally hit people in my sleep before due to believing they were the ones doing me harm.

Flashbacks

The flashbacks are the hardest things that I still struggle with now.

They’re impossible to avoid and happen on a daily basis if I leave my house.

The strangest time was being triggered on a bus passing the place I was sexually assaulted, someone got on the bus wearing the same disgustingly putrid deodrant.

I had to run straight off the bus to be sick.

I need to move out of this town as soon as possible to have any chance of minimising these flashbacks.

Short intense relationships

I have never been able to hold down a stable relationship, I cannot allow myself to become as vulnerable as I was when I was 15.

I can’t open up to people about the things that I wish I could.

How everything makes me truly feel, I cannot let someone in like that again.

Impulsive behaviours

I’ve gambled hundreds of pounds away, I’ve spent hundreds on stupid shopping sprees when I’ve been stressed. 

I’ve drunk copious amounts for weeks on end, I’ve recklessly slept around which ultimately made me feel so much more worthless than I already felt.

I would take drugs regularly just to keep my mind of the bollocks it was causing me.

Not all of these things may apply to yourself/a friend/a family member.

But just be on the look out if you see any changes in their personality.

However, be careful about approaching them if you do think something may be up. Don’t ram illnesses into their heads.

Instead, talk to them, support them if they want to go to the doctors.

But most importantly, always be there for them. Regardless of how long it may take them to recover.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

Myth Busting

It’s time for me to start busting some myths about Mental Health Illnesses.

Now, I’m no Doctor… but I sure as hell have lived through enough bollocks for my age!

People with depression are never happy

Ofcourse, everyone’s depression varies greatly, depending on the cocktail of medication you’re taking. Your lifestyle and the support you have around. 

But, a massive pet peeve of mine is when people assume I can never be happy. Yeah, the depression is here and it’s not budging anytime soon. Don’t forget though, depression is a psychological illness! 

To some extent, if you treat it with respect… it will be kinder to you. So when I was binge drinking and taking drugs. It was obviously going to get worse 

Nurturing it though, through counselling, patience and love. I’ve managed to find the happy balance I’ve wanted for many years. The black dog is still there, but he’s sleeping.

So yeah, people with depression can be happy.

“You’re just overreacting”

Anxiety isn’t just psychological, it causes physical symptoms: heart palpitations, cold sweats, uncontrollable fast breathing and my favourite symptom.. hallucinating!

I usually find that my hallucinations are out of body experiences, as if I’m floating above my body and that the physical weight of my body has disappeared.

This also ties in with the emotional dysregulation, which is not reacting to emotions how most people usually would.

So I’d impulsively spend when I felt stressed, only causing myself more stress due to being in debt. 

To this day, I have a very ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ personality. I could be in a moment of hysteria, ripping clumps of my hair out and hitting my head on surfaces to then being absolutely euphoric and buzzed as if I’d just taken Cocaine.

It’s strange being able to notice this in myself, it’s scary having to live through it.
Sadness and Depression are the same

If sadness and depression are the same… then so is a twisted ankle and a bloody broken leg!

They are not the same! 

Yes, long bouts of sadness can become depression. But just because you didn’t win on a fucking scratchcard doesn’t automatically cause a serious mental health issue!
Sadness is a fleeting emotion, depression is a lead-filled bag on your back 24/7.

Only soldiers get PTSD

This is by far the most infuriating thing to hear pass someone’s lips. 

post-traumatic stress disorder

(also post-traumatic stress syndrome)

NOUN

Medicine 

  • [mass noun] A condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world

Source for description.

Where the hell does it say that strictly soldiers get PTSD… NOWHERE!

PTSD occurs after a traumatic event, be it an RTA, sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc.

The main symptoms for me have been flashbacks, nightmares, being super vigilant and having horrendously bad trust issues.

I get triggered if I smell a certain deodorant, if someone looks like ‘John Smith’, if I’m confined in a small space against my will and if I’m not in control of a situation.

“It’s just hormones”

This realllyyyyy gets on my tits, the amount of Doctor’s I have had say this to me has been stupid. 

I can tell when I’m being a hormonal, whiney little bitch. 

But, feeling suicidal, attempting suicide and self inflicted injuries for 4 years is not ‘just my hormones’!

Doctor’s think that just because they’ve read 4 fucking textbooks in Psychology that they know what it’s like to live with the struggle of this bullshit daily.

They don’t have a fucking clue.

Debunk as many myths you can to raise awareness on the severity of mental illnesses.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂