A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

After being awake all night watching stupid videos on YouTube and crying with laughter at memes on my news feed, I thought I’d go through my old photos and see if there were any hidden treasures I hadn’t seen in a while… (I usually find drunken photos of my friend’s boobs on my phone – standard)!

I got back to November (this is about 1,700 photos into my camera reel) and came across a photo I had never seen before. I remember it being taken, I also remember the guilt that consumed me right after.

You’re probably thinking it’s a bad photo with bad connotations. Surprisingly though, it isn’t. It’s of two people stood next to each other smiling. To most people, the photo wouldn’t bring up any immediate negative feelings… but the second I saw it I had what felt like a tidal wave of culpability crash into me. 

Over the last 3 years, I have tried to commit suicide off of the ‘Faithful Servant’ about 4 or 5 times. I’ve had about 10 people all together chip in to save my life each time. Including the man I only know as the ‘ferry guy’. 

I wish I knew his name so I could write him a letter thanking him for all the times he’s hauled me back from the edge of the boat kicking and screaming. For talking to me when I was in the depths of darkness. For assuring I have someone with me on the ferry whenever I were to get on it.

But above all.

For stopping me one night and saying to me “How are you doing? You look so much healthier and happier now… it’s nice to see”.

A man who didn’t even want a thankyou for the stuff he helped me through. He may see it as just a small thing, but his words have stuck with me for almost a year now.

It’s been almost a year since my last ever attempt at suicide. It was the first time I realised that life isn’t worth giving up on. That I deserve to be here, that no thoughts will ever detract from my true worth.

I need to let this man know how incredible he is and how much I appreciate what he said and did for me when he didn’t have to.


Never underestimate the kindness of strangers because one day, one might save your life.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

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Anxiety and I

The anxious mind is a vulnerable one, anxiety means manipulation and coercion are far easier to commit against people. Both the sufferer of anxiety and those who are around them feel the full force of just how difficult this illness is.

Anxiety causes huge stress over things that many people find simple. Having a conversation with someone over the phone, eating out in public or traveling on transport. Many things become arduous and make life feel like a living hell every waking moment. 

Anxiety is my alter ego… one moment I can be fine in a room full of people, the next my breathing is erratic as I frantically try and find the closest exit.

Here are some situations I have been in where I’ve been okay to start with and my anxiety has kicked in and made tasks a pain in the bloody arse!

Walking over 3 drains

Rational mind – “It’s only part of the ground, nothing will happen if I don’t walk over them”.

Anxious mind – “What happens if you get hit by a car on your way home, or if someone attacks you? It will be your fault for not walking over the drains… turn back around and walk over them. You NEED to turn around and walk over them, something bad is DEFINITELY going to happen if you don’t… WALK OVER THEM“.

This becomes really quite embarrassing when I’m having a mini argument with myself, especially in a public place.

When people say ” just ignore your anxiety”

Rational mind – “They’re right, I just have to not focus on the anxiety and it will go away”.

Anxious mind – “HEY! Hope you didn’t forget about me, I’m going to make this walk to the shops the worst experience of your life. Someone’s following you, make sure you look over your shoulder every 4 steps you take, tap your fingers together in a sequence of 4’s each time you take a step. Don’t mess it up though! Or you’ll have to start ALL OVER AGAIN! 1, 2, 3, 4… 1, 2, 3, 4… You just walked past a black cat… Make sure you do this all twice as quick or something bad is going to happen”.

The more you focus on not thinking about anxiety the more prominent and worse it becomes.

Public transport

Rational mind – “I’m just going to pop to x’s house for a coffee and a catch up, it’ll be a lovely surprise”.

Anxious mind – “Look at all these people talking, they’re obviously talking about you. Look! That woman’s laughing, I told you and now she’s laughing at you! There’s no empty seats so you have to stand! Everyone’s judging how fat you are, look at your fat legs… No wonder everyone’s looking… you look like something out of a freakshow”.
Anxiety is like having a bully taunting and ridiculing you 24/7, there’s no shutting yourself away from this bully though. 

Anxiety is a hard illness to deal with, especially when it stops people from being able to do normal daily tasks. If you know someone who suffers from anxiety… please, let them take their time to leave the house… hold their hand in the lift while they’re scrunching their eyes shut… Let them check, double check and triple check the front door is locked before going out. Be there for them like you would be there for someone with a visible disability.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you!

🙂

Why Being Single Is Better

Admit it, whenever you’ve been single you’ve missed the cosy nights in with someone. You’ve envied the sickly inlove couple walking hand in hand down the street. Heck, you’ve probably even missed the entirety of your bed being taken up by a heffalump! (I definitely do NOT miss that!)

However, regardless of how loved up I’ve been in relationships. It always seemed to be the time that my single girlfriends would have the best times ever. They’d be going on holidays, going on nights out and being completely carefree… I sometimes envied that. The fact that they could have a laugh, speak to whoever and stay out until whenever with not a care in the world!

Now, I’m not saying I envied them because they had the freedom to flirt with whoever they wanted etc… But more for the fact that I’m a free spirit. I don’t like being told what to do, I don’t like being given rules. I want to be able to run my own life exactly how I like it.

If that’s sprawling on my bed naked, eating an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s while crying at Pretty Woman, so be it!

If that’s me wanting to focus on my career, move into my own home, own two Frenchies and have an entire room dedicated to my love for the Alien films, then so be it!

I don’t want jealousy right now, I don’t want to settle down right now. I don’t want anyone other than myself right now and that’s perfect for me.

I have spent more time in the past 2 weeks with the closest people to me than I ever did while I was in an 8 month relationship. It feels amazing to be able to see my friends literally whenever I want, head to the pub for a few drinks and a laugh.

It’s amazing to be able to starfish on my king size bed with my little fluffball Noah. It’s nice to feel like the weight of the world is no longer on my shoulders. 
I’ve found the old me that I’ve been looking for. It feels fucking amazing!

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

The Fundamentals of Happiness

On a lighter note from my previous post, I thought I would share my thoughts on what I think the fundamentals to living the happiest life you can are.

1. Love Yourself

By love yourself, I don’t mean belittle others around you. Just be confident in your own skin, it takes months if not years to finally become content within yourself. The main way I’ve managed to achieve this is by letting go of my negative thoughts. Negative thoughts only circulate around in your head making you start to believe them. If you find yourself with such thoughts, distract yourself with your favourite album or talk to a friend about them. After all, they are only thoughts and with practice you can learn to minimise them.

2. Let Things Go

Had an argument with your girlfriend/boyfriend? Fallen out with your bestfriend? Are things at home a bit tense? You need to understand that conflict is a natural thing and no one REALLY wants to keep a grudge against someone. If things are still heated after a row, take 10 minutes to calm down. Make yourself a drink; I always make myself a coffee. Sit outside and think about everything that’s been said. Were you justified with everything you said or were some things said uncalled for? If appropriate, talk to the person you had the argument with and get it sorted out as soon as possible. Don’t harbour bad feelings for someone longer than needed.

3. Stop Comparing Yourself

Do you find yourself comparing everything you do with people around you? I used to experience this on a daily basis… there were three main things I hated about myself; the fact that I don’t have defined facial shape, the fact that I have smaller breasts compared to a lot of women and that my ribs stick out a stupid amount. I’ve learnt to love these characteristics I have. Also, always remember that something you have that you may not like. Someone would give anything to have!

4. Strive For Your Life Goals

I’ve recently decided to on a whim start applying for jobs in Science. I’ve always been so enthusiatic about it and have loved learning the most intricate of details to do with it. I, as well as many others have been deterred from applying for their dream jobs due to lack of experience or not having a University degree. Well fuck that! I’ve landed two job interviews for the NHS in the past week and have already been offered one of the jobs! Do not give up on your dream!

 If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂