One Year On…

I’ve rewritten this post about 4 times in the past week. I’ve got so much to write but cannot find the words to describe exactly what I want to say.

16 months ago I was so low in myself, I put my body through things no one ever should. I was passing myself from man to man just to feel acknowledged and wanted. I wanted to try and convince myself I was loved and happy while abusing myself. 14 months ago I was addicted to taking Ecstasy and Cocaine, I was like a wild animal that had been let out of its cage for the first time. I had no concept on the damage I was causing my body while downing alcohol, creating a lethal concoction that should have killed me. 

Exactly one year ago to this day, my life could have ended. One year ago today, I was determined that my life would stop in its tracks. One year ago, I was put into a Psychiatric Unit for my own safety. I was so angry at the people who helped save my life. I thought of them as being selfish, that they didn’t understand my struggles and how ‘bad’ my life was. I felt such spite towards them for being so evil to make me carry on suffering. I wish that no one becomes as unwell as I was back then, I didn’t even know what the date was for weeks on end. I was signed off work for months because of how erratic my moods had been.

One year on…

I’m now working alongside people who suffer from acute mental health issues and I support them emotionally to make their lives easier. From being an inpatient in a ‘loony bin’ to a mental health support worker working alongside some of the people who helped me out in my time of need really shows just how well someone can recover if given the right help.

Please don’t give up on someone who wants to get better but seems to be stuck in a sink hole… Be there when they need you and stand back when they’re trying to get back on their own two feet. You wouldn’t stop helping a toddler who fell over after taking their first few steps… You’d encourage them to carry on trying. The same principal applies to everyone. 

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

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Living With BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder, symptoms of this can be extreme emotional reactions that seem inappropriate, fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, impulsive behaviour patterns and self destructive behaviours. This affects approximately 1-2% of the population in the UK. 

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for just over a year now, to start with I just assumed that my personality had changed because I was growing older. To a certain extent… it’s true – you do change over time. 

I’ve never been able to hold down a relationship with anyone. I still don’t understand how to commit to someone fully. The idea of commitment scares the living daylights out of me, I don’t understand why people want to make themselves so vulnerable by opening up to someone and trusting them with everything. I have still never been able to fully open up about everything to anyone – I’m so scared just incase that day does come around. 

I get stressed and angry very easily over the smallest things. If I can’t find a matching pair of socks I burst into tears, if I can’t go to the toilet because someone’s in it I get really angry and start pinching at my arms in frustration. If I can’t be in control of a situation I lose my mind. I’ve been called a control-freak many times before, I guess it’s true to a certain extent. When my BPD gets bad, it’s my way or no way and I’ll be the most stubborn bitch on this planet!

I feel like I’m incapable of loving someone, I lack empathy and thought in what I say or do. I prioritise things completely wrong. I’m sat here currently in almost £2000 worth of debt due to how impulsive I am with money. I have two debt collection companies on my back. Making my stress levels even higher, making me want to spend more money to cheer myself up. Meaning that I stay stuck in this rut.

I’ve got myself caught up in a stupid downward spiral, I never look to the future… I only live in the here and now which has had a negative impact on my life. 

I was sleeping around at the beginning of the year, I was taking drugs and was drinking constantly. I wondered why I felt shit back then. I wonder why!

I think the worst part of BPD though is thinking you won’t ever be loved. I feel so isolated and lonely at times, I can’t get out of bed to get food. I just sleep the days away. The thought of never meeting someone who will take the time out to support me through whatever shit my mind throws at me is hard to accept.

I don’t feel like I’m cut out to be loved by someone because the second I am cared for. I become scared, I get too worried about all of the negativity that it drives me away from things that could make me happy.

I am completely a free spirit and never want that to be compromised. I can’t be with someone who tells me what to do, where to go, what to wear, who I can spend my time with.

The only love I need right now is self love, it’s the only thing that keeps me going. 

If Kiwi can cope, so can you. 

🙂