Products of Our Environment

So as the title states – I’m gonna be sharing my own story about my younger life and growing up with a history of mental illness in my family.

Now, I’m not sure whether it’s purely coincidental, whether it’s hereditary or whether being in an environment where mental illness was prevalent was a norm for me as a child and perhaps made me more susceptible to becoming mentally unwell.

Does mental illness flow through my veins, beat in my heart and thrive off my healthy mind?

A woman very dear to me has struggled with inner demons for as long as I can remember. I was about 9 when I first began to notice that something wasn’t quite right. She’d spend days in bed, she wouldn’t eat, she wouldn’t even wash. With hind sight and personal experience I can now see that she was in an incredibly deep rooted depression.

It didn’t last days, or weeks… it lasted years.

I began to notice these traits in myself a number of years ago which was a very scary thing for me. I didn’t want to have a halted life because my mind would throw a fit every once in a while.

I decided to push on through, to finish studying Forensic Science, to get an unconditional offer at the university I wanted to study at – although I dropped out! I’ve worked in the Mental Health field and am now heading into working for the Ministry of Justice.

It’s ok to be abnormal, I wouldn’t have thrived as much if I was never unwell or had never battled with addiction.

If I could meet my 9 year old self, I would tell her that she would be okay. That her mum would win the uphill struggle. I’m now 21 and have almost set myself up for life.

This is the year everything changes!

If Kiwi can cope, so can you!

πŸ™‚

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Master of Deception

I’m not gonna bore you with all of the stuff most bloggers will be posting currently… the whole ‘new year, new me’ bullshit. You’re still the same idiot you were a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. You aren’t foolin’ me honey bee!

I want to write an uplifting post for the first time in around half a year – that makes me sound like I’m still a depressive mong doped-up on all kinds of meds from the doctor. “Here’s 5 Cyanide pills just incase one isn’t enough to put your stupid ass to sleep for the rest of eternity” – thanks doc!

In all seriousness though… I’ve really grown the fuck up since last year and even the year before that. I was selfish, manipulative and arrogant… basically a massive arsehole! But a switch flicked inside me and I realised I was a raging douche that needed to sort herself out. During the previous couple of years, I felt sub-human, I felt like I deserved no one’s love or compassion except the black dog that was always barking in my head. 

I found solace in the havoc. The sense of self I was adamant was true, was just a facade, to cover my deluded mind set. 

I was a master of deception.

I had grown so used to putting on an external mask, I convinced myself I was better when really I was just trying to polish a turd. Things were mounting up to the point that it was almost unbearable. I could see the surface of the ocean but had an anchor tied to my ankles.

Last year was a true test of my character. I did many things I never thought I’d have the courage to do.

I rid myself of toxic people, negativity breeds negativity. I worked in a mental health unit as an Auxiliary nurse. I applied and successfully got a job which will set my career path up. I travelled through Europe and visited Auschwitz, the Berlin wall and the Red Light District! And after everything… I forgave my rapist and got the closure I needed to be able to move on.

This year will be full of light, love and positivity!

Trust me, if Kiwi can cope… so can you! πŸ™‚

πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’š

Dealing with my BPD

I’ve posted a few times about myself being a borderline sufferer and how it’s impacted on me. After reading through the posts, they all had a very negative outlook on what it’s like to have this illness.

I always wrote about the situations I noticed my BPD worsening in and my reactions – but never how I got over the hurdles it made me face.

Being a borderline isn’t glamorous or fun, to put it bluntly – it’s fucking shit! My borderline still lingers around every day but the way I’ve learnt to cope and work alongside it has changed and I’m now at a place where I can say I can keep it in check.

My BPD is mainly to do with abandonment issues and relationships that fizzle out super quick because I’m just so goddamn bored! Sometimes when my anxiety is bad I start to become delusional. I think the most ludicrous things are real and that life is just a joke.

I remember when it first got really bad, I had watched a documentary about the phone hacking scandal that happened a few years back. I got it into my head that I was being spied on constantly, that people were hacking into my phone, reading my messages and listening to my calls. Although why I thought that the government would be interested in knowing that I wanted my Mumma to pick me up a McDonald’s en route back from shopping – I’ll never know!

I’m glad I can laugh about it now because back then, I was petrified to talk to people. I felt like I had no privacy and it made me feel even more vulnerable.

There is no quick fix when it comes to dealing with BPD. There’s also no set treatment that can make it better for everyone. 

Just nurture yourself and love yourself, BPD feasts on your inner vulnerabilities. The second you start doubting your mind and recovery, it will consume you.

Keep your life free of as much drama as you can. Don’t put unnecessary tension on yourself that could hinder your recovery. 

BPD will always be there, but you don’t have to run away from it forever. Put up two fighting fists and show it what you’re made of!

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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It’s The Most Depressing Time Of The Year

It’s December now, so it’s time to reflect on the past 11/12 months! This last year has been the most destructive year of my life to date. I’m going to break it down month by month.

January

To start the year, I was heading to the gym regularly, I was happily a size 6 in clothing and I was feeling more confident than I ever had. However, this was also the month that I was drinking 4-5 times a week, sleeping with random people and off my nut on Ecstasy and Cocaine. I’d hit the self destruct button and there was no going back.

February

February was the same as January pretty much, still drinking shit tons. Still taking a load of drugs. Being a massive whore, I honestly couldn’t give a shit about my body back then. I got caught up in the wrong crowd of people and lost myself completely. 

March

It was back in March that I met my ex Matt, 4 days after a good friend tragically got killed in a Motorbike crash. This was the first time this year that I tried to kill myself, it was also the month that I got shoved into a Psychiatric unit. This was the month that I decided that the drugs were screwing me over massively so I completely knocked them on the head. 

April

April was a bit better, things with Matt had taken off and I was the happiest I had been in many years. I had sworn never to touch drugs again (still clean now 10 months on!). I didn’t try anything stupid this month.

May

I tried ending my life infront of my bestfriend  (fuck knows why he’s stuck about!). I’d been doing so well not to harm myself and I fell straight back to square one again.

June

June was okay I guess, nothing really happened this month.

July

My 20th rolled around! I spent it with some of the best friends ever, I went away with my ex for a weekend into the middle of nowhere and it was amazing! Log fuelled hot tub and everything! (I even broke a bucket list wish of mine… I’m sure smart asses can guess what that was!).

August

Matt and I started hitting a shit patch and our relationship didn’t feel the same anymore but we agreed to carry on trying to make it work.

September

I don’t remember much from then either to be honest. It’s all a blur really.

October 

I couldn’t hack my relationship at this point and headed up to Watford to break up with Matt. I wasn’t as happy as I had been, I felt like I would be able to find someone more capable of helping understand my mind. Two days after the break up I slept with another person, I told him out of complete guilt and he used me as an emotional and verbal punchbag. I didn’t deserve the severity of abuse I got though. 

November

I tried harming myself again this month, but my parents witnessed it. My mum filmed exactly what happened, I ended up assaulting my parents and being shoved in a police cell over night. 

December

This brings us to present day, I am no longer taking drugs, I am not drinking again for a very long time and I am transferring to a vape soon. So I guess I’m #STRAIGHTEDGE. πŸ˜‰

This year has been fucking tough, but you have to step back before you leap forward. 

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

πŸ™‚

Fall In Love With Life Again

I never thought I would be sat here preaching this, I could only ever dream of the day. But lo and behold, here I am. Saying the things I never thought I’d be saying.

I am happy once again, not a false happiness that I used to put on. Forcing smiles when I was crumbling inside. 

This happiness I am feeling currently, I haven’t felt since my early childhood. It’s the kind of happiness that’s peaceful, I have no dread or self hatred looming over me anymore. I don’t feel as desolate as I once did. I can get through things nowadays. 

I used to try to avoid situations that would trigger my anxieties and debilitate me. I use to have a massive phobia of causing bad luck. If I broke a mirror I would cry, if I walked across 3 drains I would have a horrendous panic attack. I couldn’t sit on public transport without crying and I could never walk under scaffolding. I purposefully make sure that I do all of the things against my anxieties. I always ask myself “what’s the worst thing that could happen?”.

I am a much stronger person than I give myself credit for. I have finally started to come out the otherside of the dark tunnel that is depression. I am a strong human being.

The key to my recovery has been communication and patience. Having my family by my side through every trauma has been a blessing. When I tried doing things to myself, I never realised how much I was impacting on them. My violent outbursts, not respecting my own body, trying endless times to end my life. I was being selfish, people try and say that suicide and selfharm are not selfish.

Yes, it is selfish.

Ending your life has so many more implications than just you not breathing anymore. Your family will have to live out the rest of their days feeling guilty, asking themselves what they could have done to stop you. They’ll blame themselves until the end. The friends you would leave behind, they’re just an extension of family. 

Super clichΓ© but time is the best healer. I for one, never believed it. I’m one of the most stubborn tossers you will ever meet. So if I’m saying it’s true, then it must be. Granted, I can’t give a time frame, but for all the time you’ve got hope to get better.

You will.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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ECS Group

The Emotional Coping Skills Group is a group based therapy of DBT, it helps with regulating and dealing with strong, overwhelming emotions that some people find harder to deal with. 

I’ve now been in this group for 5 weeks and I’m starting to notice major changes. After going through 8 months of unsuccessful counselling a few years ago. I decided to try my luck with ECS. 

To start with, I didn’t have high hopes for the group. I thought it’d be mumbo jumbo and reading from leaflets I could probably find online.

But I’ve come to realise that the people in this group are like family. It’s a place of free speech where no one is judged. This is a group of 10-15 people going through raw, unbearable emotions all at once.

In a way, this group has started to bring the best out in the people who were strangers to me only a few weeks ago. Hearing about the positive changes however small they may be that have been happening is inspirational.

Relating to people who are in very similar situations and fighting this battle as a team has been a true test on us all. I never saw the day where I could sit in a room with strangers and open up about my problems comfortably.

I’ve made new friends and I hope to keep them around for a very long time after the group sessions end. If any of you from the group are reading this post – thankyou for being so open and making it so easy to be able to talk about issues. You’re all such remarkable people and in a slightly strange way. I love the way we have all connected so quickly!

If Kiwi can cope, so can you. 

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