Products of Our Environment

So as the title states – I’m gonna be sharing my own story about my younger life and growing up with a history of mental illness in my family.

Now, I’m not sure whether it’s purely coincidental, whether it’s hereditary or whether being in an environment where mental illness was prevalent was a norm for me as a child and perhaps made me more susceptible to becoming mentally unwell.

Does mental illness flow through my veins, beat in my heart and thrive off my healthy mind?

A woman very dear to me has struggled with inner demons for as long as I can remember. I was about 9 when I first began to notice that something wasn’t quite right. She’d spend days in bed, she wouldn’t eat, she wouldn’t even wash. With hind sight and personal experience I can now see that she was in an incredibly deep rooted depression.

It didn’t last days, or weeks… it lasted years.

I began to notice these traits in myself a number of years ago which was a very scary thing for me. I didn’t want to have a halted life because my mind would throw a fit every once in a while.

I decided to push on through, to finish studying Forensic Science, to get an unconditional offer at the university I wanted to study at – although I dropped out! I’ve worked in the Mental Health field and am now heading into working for the Ministry of Justice.

It’s ok to be abnormal, I wouldn’t have thrived as much if I was never unwell or had never battled with addiction.

If I could meet my 9 year old self, I would tell her that she would be okay. That her mum would win the uphill struggle. I’m now 21 and have almost set myself up for life.

This is the year everything changes!

If Kiwi can cope, so can you!

πŸ™‚

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Master of Deception

I’m not gonna bore you with all of the stuff most bloggers will be posting currently… the whole ‘new year, new me’ bullshit. You’re still the same idiot you were a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. You aren’t foolin’ me honey bee!

I want to write an uplifting post for the first time in around half a year – that makes me sound like I’m still a depressive mong doped-up on all kinds of meds from the doctor. “Here’s 5 Cyanide pills just incase one isn’t enough to put your stupid ass to sleep for the rest of eternity” – thanks doc!

In all seriousness though… I’ve really grown the fuck up since last year and even the year before that. I was selfish, manipulative and arrogant… basically a massive arsehole! But a switch flicked inside me and I realised I was a raging douche that needed to sort herself out. During the previous couple of years, I felt sub-human, I felt like I deserved no one’s love or compassion except the black dog that was always barking in my head. 

I found solace in the havoc. The sense of self I was adamant was true, was just a facade, to cover my deluded mind set. 

I was a master of deception.

I had grown so used to putting on an external mask, I convinced myself I was better when really I was just trying to polish a turd. Things were mounting up to the point that it was almost unbearable. I could see the surface of the ocean but had an anchor tied to my ankles.

Last year was a true test of my character. I did many things I never thought I’d have the courage to do.

I rid myself of toxic people, negativity breeds negativity. I worked in a mental health unit as an Auxiliary nurse. I applied and successfully got a job which will set my career path up. I travelled through Europe and visited Auschwitz, the Berlin wall and the Red Light District! And after everything… I forgave my rapist and got the closure I needed to be able to move on.

This year will be full of light, love and positivity!

Trust me, if Kiwi can cope… so can you! πŸ™‚

πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’š

Fall In Love With Life Again

I never thought I would be sat here preaching this, I could only ever dream of the day. But lo and behold, here I am. Saying the things I never thought I’d be saying.

I am happy once again, not a false happiness that I used to put on. Forcing smiles when I was crumbling inside. 

This happiness I am feeling currently, I haven’t felt since my early childhood. It’s the kind of happiness that’s peaceful, I have no dread or self hatred looming over me anymore. I don’t feel as desolate as I once did. I can get through things nowadays. 

I used to try to avoid situations that would trigger my anxieties and debilitate me. I use to have a massive phobia of causing bad luck. If I broke a mirror I would cry, if I walked across 3 drains I would have a horrendous panic attack. I couldn’t sit on public transport without crying and I could never walk under scaffolding. I purposefully make sure that I do all of the things against my anxieties. I always ask myself “what’s the worst thing that could happen?”.

I am a much stronger person than I give myself credit for. I have finally started to come out the otherside of the dark tunnel that is depression. I am a strong human being.

The key to my recovery has been communication and patience. Having my family by my side through every trauma has been a blessing. When I tried doing things to myself, I never realised how much I was impacting on them. My violent outbursts, not respecting my own body, trying endless times to end my life. I was being selfish, people try and say that suicide and selfharm are not selfish.

Yes, it is selfish.

Ending your life has so many more implications than just you not breathing anymore. Your family will have to live out the rest of their days feeling guilty, asking themselves what they could have done to stop you. They’ll blame themselves until the end. The friends you would leave behind, they’re just an extension of family. 

Super clichΓ© but time is the best healer. I for one, never believed it. I’m one of the most stubborn tossers you will ever meet. So if I’m saying it’s true, then it must be. Granted, I can’t give a time frame, but for all the time you’ve got hope to get better.

You will.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

πŸ™‚

Dealing With A Relationship Breakup

The title is pretty self explanatory to what this blog post is going to be about.

7 days ago, my now ex-boyfriend and I broke up. Relationship breakdowns are never easy to cope with, regardless of how toxic the relationship may have been – they still make you feel like it’s the end of the world!

I’m not proud to say this, but every relationship I have had has resulted in me instigating a breakup. I don’t know what it is about commitment that terrifies me so much. I guess that right now I’m just not cut out for all the bollocks relationships bring with them.

The most recent relationship I’ve had was the brightest, most positive 8 months I have had in many years! I had never fallen so inlove, so fast. I met the most caring, wonderful, bubbly person ever that was the mirror image of me. He was and will always be my first true love.

Fate had it’s way and we drifted very quickly which unfortunately, led to the demise of ‘us’. 

So when the breakup actually happened, we had actually decided to go on a break… not to speak to eachother very much/at all for a couple of weeks to see how we’d feel. I started crashing straight away and started spiralling stupidly, I started drinking nightly – to the point I was barely able to stand. I made some decisions in the first few days that were silly. I hated the uncertainty of not knowing if we were going to work out… so I ended it abruptly and completely 4 days later. 

Over the last few days, I’ve had regrets about the decision but ultimately it was the best thing for us both.

The last few days haven’t been as hurtful as I had imagined due to my incredible family and close group of friends. Through all the wrongs on my part recently, they have stuck by me ensuring I’ve been kept busy.

So my advice is:

  • Go out and see friends/family – go for a meal, a walk or even pop over their house just for a cup of tea/coffee (whatever you prefer).
  • Tell yourself that it ISN’T the end of the world – as long as you’re still breathing, you keep on moving forward!
  • Accept that things haven’t gone the exact way that you would of hoped – fate has funny ways of pushing us onto bigger and better things!
  • Don’t beat yourself up over the what if’s – you’ll just get stuck in a rut and cause unecessary stress for yourself.
  • Let your hair down – it’s time to book that girls/guys holiday or have that night out you’ve needed!
  • Allow the emotions – people need to release anger and upset sometimes, people may take it out on you. Allow this, but only to an extent to which you are comfortable with. NEVER become someones emotional punchbag.
  • Be kind to yourself – accept the mistakes you’ve made and allow them to mould you into a more mature, caring human being!


If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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