This is definitely not the first blog like this and it won’t be the last. I have thought long and hard about how or when to start my own blog – seriously, I’ve been contemplating it for over a year!
I guess I should start with the basics… My nickname is Kiwi and I’m a 20-year-old living on the South Coast of England. I tend to keep my private issues exactly that – private. However, when I was about 14; I had started to notice I wasn’t quite the same as my peers. I tended to isolate myself away from the majority of people I knew. I would always make excuses as to why I couldn’t go out and do things with my friends. I was purposely drawing myself away from any form of social groups.
I started finding comfort in online ‘friends’, only going by a username and a little Avatar with ‘bacon hair’ on Habbo hotel. I found this virtual world a huge escape from the person I hated being in the real world, to the person I could only ever dream about being in the Habbo world.
It was around this time that I began talking to and hanging around with someone far older than myself. At first, I assumed the explicit messages and garish content was flattering – an older male was interested in talking to me. I never took any notice of the messages on how he “wanted to take my virginity” and that “he wanted to make me scream”. I mean hey! I was a 14 year old who hadn’t even had the painters come in yet! What was I to know?
So fast forward a year of this continuous cycle of coversation… My family (to those who know them can vouch for me), the most open people going – allow this certain male into our home. He saw them as a set of parents and my brother was a brother he’d never had. He finally had the support he had needed after the rough life he’d had.
It’s funny, I remember when I was 14 that a group of kids from the local school had created a Facebook page calling him out as a ‘paedo’. I wrote on every single post on that page saying that he wasn’t and that he was a ‘lovely man’. *shudders*
So we get to Christmas eve eve, stuff happens between us. Completely consensual (although a lot of people will argue that a just turned 15-year-old can’t consent – but whatever… I did). The next day (Christmas eve) I end up going over to his shared house.
I remember thinking “that’s odd – he’s just locked his bedroom door…”. He had also put the key on top of a huge bookshelf/storage shelf – I was about 5’3″ at the time and the ceilings were pretty damn high so there was no chance in hell I was reaching that!
But hey ho, he’s older… he’s interested in me… right? We then agree (again people will disagree that I wasn’t of age to consent) to have sex… within minutes I say that I don’t want to anymore. I say no… this is when things start to get weirder.
He continues, I say it louder assuming he hadn’t heard me… he stops. I get off of the bed to go and get my clothes, I bend down for a split fucking second and again. He starts now against my will to have sex with me. At this point I’m freaking out, “I’ve said no – why does he not understand that?” I then again in the most stern voice I can demand “no, STOP”. The rest is a blur, other than remembering him saying “don’t tell anyone or I’ll get into big trouble” and those cliché words “this will be our secret”.
So that’s the back story in complete detail. 5 people know the full story, including him. Ofcourse though, he denied everything to the police. I was told by the police officer that dealt with my case that ‘he had had a hard enough life that it was and that I shouldn’t make it any worse’. My parents both being witnesses to that bent fucking copper’s words.
Feeling like I had lost complete control, I decided to take the reigns and put in a complaint about the police officer who so disgustingly said that to me. A victim of a crime, being made out to be the bad guy. What a fucking joke!
Fast forward through 8 months of counselling, countless suicide attempts, detainments under the mental health act and so forth.
We hit the present day, I am now taking anti-depressants (for an amalgamation of things). I’ve been diagnosed with 4 different mental health issues and I’m currently in the process of group therapy sessions.
I can’t change my past, but I can definitely make sure my future is 1000 times better.
If Kiwi can cope, so can you.