Hypocrisyย 

I don’t even know how to begin this post, there’s so much shit that I need to get off my chest. For the last couple of weeks I’ve only been thinking about the positive things that I wanted to salvage from my most recent relationship.

But this evening, reality hit me in the face like a frying pan. Things were never as dandy as I was remembering them. 

You are the massive hypocrite, you are the liar in all of this.

I let you know the vulnerable side of me, the side no one had ever seen before. I let you see me on my darkest days, the days I never wanted to be around anymore.

You told me that alcohol was the issue and that if I stopped drinking that it would help clear my head. Maybe you were right, but did it ever occur to you that that wasn’t the only problem. 

Did it ever occur to you that YOUR actions were also a massive problem!?

I glossed over the harsh reality. I glossed over the fact that you had humiliated me in public when you were drunk, screaming at me in a kebab shop. Shouting so the entirety of Portsmouth could hear the words “my name is Ciara Booth and I’ll sleep with anyone”. 

You threatened to verbally attack my mum when you were drunk, saying you’d wake her up and scream “fuck off” in her face just to get payback on me for the time I was upset with your mum after she’d said something about me. I was devastated and needed her to get away from me.

Do you remember the time you woke up in your car in the driver’s seat with the keys in the ignition?  Not remembering how you got there, what you’d done the night before or where you’d been and who you were with because you got absolutely smashed!? I remember you telling your mum that your battery was flat because you left the inside light on. You know that’s a lie.

Do you remember the time a few weeks ago when you went out with your bestfriend, you were supposed to stay at his… but no. You drove home drunk and even video called me when you got back. The next day you remembered absolutely nothing!

I AM THE ONE WITH A DRINK PROBLEM?

Yes I’ve made mistakes when I’ve drunk. I’ve accepted them now though, I’m dealing with the consequences.

You made me feel like I was walking on eggshells so often that it became the norm. You would get paranoid if I wanted to go to Astoria on a Monday because a couple of my ex’s went there that I never even speak to anymore.

You made assumptions about things, you would make me feel like shit all over a misunderstanding on YOUR part.

In your living room, you were shouting at me. I asked you to stop, I was hysterically crying. Begging you to leave me alone, but you continued until I couldn’t take it anymore. 

You thought that saying sorry in bed would fix the way you made me feel so worthless?

I have never said I was a saint. I’ve always been honest and open about things. I have flaws and I struggle every so often, but I think it’s now time for you to do the same.

You’ve probably tainted many peoples views on me and I’m okay with that.

You need to be honest to yourself and those around you. About all this bullshit that you’re hiding. The drink driving and the fact that you struggle.

I don’t want anything to do with you anymore, but for your own sake…

Don’t be a hypocrite!

Even recently when we spoke you’ve vented your anger and I allowed it because I felt like I deserved it. I don’t deserve to feel attacked anymore.

“I love you, but please if not for me, your friends, your family or even yourself….be honest with yourself that you need help and you won’t have to live a lie any more”.

This isn’t to make you feel worse, it’s to simply say I wasn’t the only one who made big mistakes.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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Ups and Downs

Today I woke up from a dream with tears streaming down my face and a massive aching in my chest. Moments before I was asleep next to the one person I love, cuddled up in amongst the covers. He was sleeping peacefully, the lines on his forehead twitched every now and then. My hair was stuck in his velcro-like facial hair. Our limbs were entwined – anyone looking at us would have thought we were the Hindu God Vishnu.

Citalopram is a godsend and a product from hell all in one. I get vivid, mundane dreams that I could swear are real. I’ve found that I have a sensory element to many of my dreams. I can feel things and even on occasions, taste things.

Dreams like this are just another addition to the long list of things that come with a breakup I guess.

I tried to convince myself that I could get through it positively – that was just a hard exterior. The best way to visualise it is like a crustacean. I’ve got a strong exoskeleton, but take that away and I’m a delicate, squishy blob. 

The best way to get through things like this, is to not think of yourself as a vulnerable squishy blob… but it’s okay to be one from time to time. There isn’t a right way to deal with situations like this. Just make sure you sort it out the way YOU need to. People can give you all the advice in the world, but that’s usually just going on their experiences. Which could be completely different to anything that you have experienced.

Take time out to find yourself again, after a long relationship. ‘You’ doesn’t feel the same anymore, ‘you’ are an alien to yourself. It was always ‘we’ and ‘us’.

But you were always there, turn the ‘W’ in ‘we’ upside down – it becomes ‘me’. Take the ‘s’ out of ‘us’, you then become ‘u’ again. 

You may feel lost right now, but you will always find yourself again. Even in the midst of what seems like Armageddon.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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Dealing With A Relationship Breakup

The title is pretty self explanatory to what this blog post is going to be about.

7 days ago, my now ex-boyfriend and I broke up. Relationship breakdowns are never easy to cope with, regardless of how toxic the relationship may have been – they still make you feel like it’s the end of the world!

I’m not proud to say this, but every relationship I have had has resulted in me instigating a breakup. I don’t know what it is about commitment that terrifies me so much. I guess that right now I’m just not cut out for all the bollocks relationships bring with them.

The most recent relationship I’ve had was the brightest, most positive 8 months I have had in many years! I had never fallen so inlove, so fast. I met the most caring, wonderful, bubbly person ever that was the mirror image of me. He was and will always be my first true love.

Fate had it’s way and we drifted very quickly which unfortunately, led to the demise of ‘us’. 

So when the breakup actually happened, we had actually decided to go on a break… not to speak to eachother very much/at all for a couple of weeks to see how we’d feel. I started crashing straight away and started spiralling stupidly, I started drinking nightly – to the point I was barely able to stand. I made some decisions in the first few days that were silly. I hated the uncertainty of not knowing if we were going to work out… so I ended it abruptly and completely 4 days later. 

Over the last few days, I’ve had regrets about the decision but ultimately it was the best thing for us both.

The last few days haven’t been as hurtful as I had imagined due to my incredible family and close group of friends. Through all the wrongs on my part recently, they have stuck by me ensuring I’ve been kept busy.

So my advice is:

  • Go out and see friends/family – go for a meal, a walk or even pop over their house just for a cup of tea/coffee (whatever you prefer).
  • Tell yourself that it ISN’T the end of the world – as long as you’re still breathing, you keep on moving forward!
  • Accept that things haven’t gone the exact way that you would of hoped – fate has funny ways of pushing us onto bigger and better things!
  • Don’t beat yourself up over the what if’s – you’ll just get stuck in a rut and cause unecessary stress for yourself.
  • Let your hair down – it’s time to book that girls/guys holiday or have that night out you’ve needed!
  • Allow the emotions – people need to release anger and upset sometimes, people may take it out on you. Allow this, but only to an extent to which you are comfortable with. NEVER become someones emotional punchbag.
  • Be kind to yourself – accept the mistakes you’ve made and allow them to mould you into a more mature, caring human being!


If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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Songs That Keep Me Strong

I don’t tend to share the songs that I listen to when I’m in a dark place like I currently am. My boyfriend and I have just split up and I’m a fucking mess. I hope that anyone else going through the same thing – or very similar raw feelings can find comfort in these songs just like I do.

So the first song is one that I discovered a few years ago while high in a friend’s shed. They started playing this beautifully intricate acoustic song. I instantly fell in love with this artist. I always find that this song draws me away from the pain and angst I deal with daily. Especially at times like the last few days.

Jon Gomm – Topeka

The next song is by another acoustic artist called Trevor Hall. I was trawling through related videos on YouTube and came across this man, with his husky voice, incredible words and simplistic guitar. I couldn’t have fallen in love more if I tried.

Trevor Hall – All I Ever Know

The third song is from a group a friend of mine on Facebook shared about 5 years ago. These guys have been a quiet love of mine because they’re completely unheard of by most. Their tracks have helped me through times of desperate need.

Snowmine – Saucer Eyes



My forth song choice to add to this list is a song I came across recently thanks to my favourite YouTube star Bunny (grav3yardgirl). She said that this was her favourite song by this band. I HAD to listen to a song that she said also helped her through dark times.

Deerhunter – Helicopter

This song is a classic breakup song, I cannot even begin to fathom how relevant it is. There’s not really much more I can say.

SECRETS – Sleep Well, Darling

And on that note, I’m going to leave the list there for the time being. If anyone finds these help them out a little bit or want to know of other similar songs I listen to… Feel free to send me an email!

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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ECS Group

The Emotional Coping Skills Group is a group based therapy of DBT, it helps with regulating and dealing with strong, overwhelming emotions that some people find harder to deal with. 

I’ve now been in this group for 5 weeks and I’m starting to notice major changes. After going through 8 months of unsuccessful counselling a few years ago. I decided to try my luck with ECS. 

To start with, I didn’t have high hopes for the group. I thought it’d be mumbo jumbo and reading from leaflets I could probably find online.

But I’ve come to realise that the people in this group are like family. It’s a place of free speech where no one is judged. This is a group of 10-15 people going through raw, unbearable emotions all at once.

In a way, this group has started to bring the best out in the people who were strangers to me only a few weeks ago. Hearing about the positive changes however small they may be that have been happening is inspirational.

Relating to people who are in very similar situations and fighting this battle as a team has been a true test on us all. I never saw the day where I could sit in a room with strangers and open up about my problems comfortably.

I’ve made new friends and I hope to keep them around for a very long time after the group sessions end. If any of you from the group are reading this post – thankyou for being so open and making it so easy to be able to talk about issues. You’re all such remarkable people and in a slightly strange way. I love the way we have all connected so quickly!

If Kiwi can cope, so can you. 

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It’s The Little Things That Count

We’re so wrapped up in our busy day to day lives that we forget to appreciate things that are all around us. 

I always see people rushed off their feet, heading from A to do B then to pick up C to go back to A again like robots. Day in, day out with no time to breathe. 
These people miss the little things, the person that could have smiled at them if they had looked up rather than looking into their lap gazing into the depressing world of Facebook.  The person with their headphones in who misses the guy in the small town shopping center playing his guitar so effortlessly. 
I always make sure I have time to enjoy these little moments, the ones you will remember for a very long time.

I remember walking through the field close to my house one morning before school a few years ago in Winter. Not a single footprint was in that snow other than the ones behind me, following my every step.

These little things always go unnoticed. If you find yourself missing these little things, make time for them. When you’re travelling to work, notice the person who holds the door open for you. Notice the person who tells you that you have toilet paper stuck under your shoe. Say hello to the elderly couple at the bus stop.

Believe me, these gestures will stay in your memory and theirs far longer than any boring commute to work.

You don’t need to have a lavish lifestyle to appreciate the simplicity of everything in the World. You just need a moment. 

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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Living With Mental Health Issues

1 in 4 people in the UK suffer from a mental health issue every year. That person could be the person sat next to you on the bus, the person screeching their horn at you, the young person crossing the road or you yourself. 

Mental health illnesses have been just as common over the past 100 years. But the understanding of what causes them and how they can be treated has only really hit mainstream conversations in the last decade or so.

Living with mental health issues isn’t poetic nor romantic. Under this so called ‘silver lining’ of kissing scars better and writing songs about suicide. There is a harsh reality that, unfortunately, many people have to face daily.

The reality of not physically being able to get out of bed, having a mental block on happiness. People become so desperate, people want help. But it’s not being able to find the courage to get that help. 

The honest truth of suffering is not pretty. I’ve been through times where I’ve not washed in 7 days, the only thing that would pass my lips would be alcohol. I would sleep around with strangers. I would take Ecstasy and Cocaine weekly. I would try and kill myself on such a regular basis, it seemed normal to me. I would gamble stupid amounts away, I would spend money impulsively and take out loans to feed my habit of buying. I would have constant nightmares of the same situations over and over, I would make excuses to miss work or to not see friends. I became a stranger to myself. I was going off the rails. 

Fate had it’s way with me and somehow, for some reason. I just couldn’t destroy myself, I’d tried on and off for 4 years and it just never happened.

I’ve slowly come to terms with the fact that these demons in my head could be here for many years to come. Instead of letting them make me weak, they keep me on track.

Hurting yourself and neglecting yourself is not the right answer. Even when times get tough, keep on loving yourself.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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