The Borderline Blues

It’s what I call the state of mind I’m in right now – not sad, yet not happy. I’m somewhere in the middle of the two and it’s a world away from what I’m used to feeling. It feels alien to me to be feeling both of these feelings at once. I have a massive euphoria in my head yet my body feels sluggish and heavy as if I’m a creaky boat with a cast anchor.

I feel completely at peace, yet I feel so disgruntled. I’m over thinking so much right now yet my rational mind is telling me there’s nothing to be over thinking about. I want to push everyone I know away, yet I want them to be closer to me than ever before. I try and focus on listening to Bukowski by Mooseblood (my favourite song), yet all I can focus on is the mind numbing humming of my fish tank filter and the crank of the cogs in my clock. 

My mind is in one place and yet it seems like it is all over the shop. I can’t keep my attention focused on one thing for even a few minutes without becoming restless and wanting to do something else. My mind is whirring like a racing car motor, it’s spinning in the same repetitive circle.

I don’t feel negativity towards myself or others currently, I just haven’t been used to feeling emotions properly for almost 18 months. I’ve been immune to them in a sense due to the meds I take. 

I’ve only lowered the dosage by 10mg every other day (40mg one night, 30mg the next, 40mg again the night after etc). But I’m still noticing a massive difference in the fact that I can feel things again. For the first month or so, my mood will generally be lower than it has been due to the reduction of robot inducing pills.

I’m trying to make sense of all of these emotions bombarding my vulnerable mind right now. Please bear with me, it’s all I ask.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

The Grass Is Greener

It’s the saying everyone uses when they have hindsight, when they can look back and see that they’re in a better place than they previously had been. This is what’s really hit me over the last few days.

I finally started my new job in the NHS Monday just gone. I’m finally working in a Psychiatric Unit with some of the most gifted Nurses and Doctors on the South Coast. I’ve started in a Unit for patients with moderate to severe Neurological Damage induced mainly by chronic substance abuse.

In three months time I shall be transferring wards to the Functional Mental Health Ward down the corridor . Having been through the psychiatric system since I was around 13, I feel like it’s really going to hit home when I start working with people that I can see parts of my old self in.

The first week of working in the Hospital was an experience I’ll never forget. It’s an entire world away from outside the walls of the ward. It’s a strict regime of constant observations, confidentiality, understanding, patience and empathy. 

I’d be lying if I said my first week has been easy – it’s been a true test of my character and I’ve been put into some very difficult situations already. However, I wouldn’t change my job, my colleagues or the patients for the world. 
Waking up in the morning to see my crisp, new uniform with the words “NHS Professionals” embroidered onto the chest makes me punch the air mentally at just how far I really have come in the last 8 years.
If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

BPD and Relationships

I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for around a year now, just as I was meeting my last partner. The diagnosis lifted a massive weight off of my shoulders… but also started to bring on more things that I couldn’t deal with.

Borderline Characteristics

The main characteristics of BPD are a mixture of the list below:

  • Impulsive behaviours
  • Over the top reactions to situations
  • Self harm/suicidal thoughts
  • Intense, quick relationships 
  • Abandonment and rejection worries
  • Emotions are black and white
  • Delusions and hallucinations

Impulsive Behaviours

During my most recent relationship, I acted very irrational sometimes. I drunk a lot to the point he and I were arguing tons about it. I was spending money like there was no tomorrow, again causing a ton of arguments. I felt like I needed to be in control of my own actions and whenever someone told me something, I’d shove two fingers up at them and would do the complete opposite.

Over The Top Reactions 

When we were in the midst of an argument about my drinking or spending, I’d go ham and spend more or drink more just out of spite. It would be me subconsciously saying “I can do what I want and you can’t stop me!” I didn’t want to do it, but I felt I needed to prove a point.

Self Harm and Suicidal Thoughts

These were major issues that I struggled with last year. If we were in bed and I had woken up in the middle of the night. I would feel a huge amount of jealously if he was still asleep, I’d start clawing at my skin until it was broken and bleeding. If I couldn’t get my own way I’d be irrational and would start planning out how I could kill myself with objects in the room. I thought about how easy it would be to grab the fish tank hosing and hook it round my neck. I thought about taking a ton of my anti depressants and downing my bottle of rum that I had barely touched.

Intense and Quick Relationships

I was already talking about how many children I wanted, their full names, where I wanted to live, how I wanted to decorate the house, my wedding dress, the place I wanted to get married, the colour scheme etc. Obviously to anyone this would be a huge throw back, my BPD was saying to me “we’ve been together for 4 months, why has he not decided whether or not he wants to marry me? Is there something wrong with me? Does he not love me? How can I make him love me more? What if I’m jilted?”

My brain would go into unnecessary overdrive, I never told him and I’m sure he just thought I was a grumpy shit most of our relationship.

Abandonment and Rejection Issues

This was a huge part of my concerns when it came to our relationship, especially as it was long distance. I always worried that he’d meet someone else while I was away. That he’d stop tracing MY tattoos with his fingers, that he’d stop tucking MY hair behind MY ear. He wouldn’t want ME anymore. So I started to push him away, when all I wanted was for him to be closer than ever.

Emotions are Black and white

I fail to see the shades of grey between emotions, I’m euphoric or hysterical. There’s rarely an in between, recently I’ve become far better at being able to tone down the extremes of my emotions to a somewhat ‘normal’ level.

Delusions and Hallucinations

These aren’t the sort of delusions/hallucinations where I see fire breathing panda birds. They’re disassociation mechanisms for when I can’t handle my own mind. When things get too much, I’ll zone out and I feel like I’m floating above my own body. I zone into certain sounds like the clock ticking and find it incredibly difficult to pull my attention away. Even when I’m not around a ticking clock, I still hear one sometimes… while I’m walking or on the bus. I’m learning to block them out though.

Dating someone who has BPD, is very tough. But we are some of the most loyal, respectful, all in people you can find. I’d go to the ends of the earth for the people I love. I will forever put them first, but when I hate someone, I feel a huge overwhelming rage whenever I hear someone mention their name.

I’ve got that all under control though, so there shouldn’t be any mayhem caused by me in that respect! 

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

Facts about Mental Illnesses

After countless Google searches about statistics on young adults with Mental Health Illnesses… and with not a lot of luck with what I was trying to find out. I took it upon myself to conduct my own research into just how many of us have to battle these demons.

In this survey I conducted, there were 59 respondents who ever so kindly took part, so I thank each and everyone of you for taking your time to complete the questionnaire.

As you can see from this first question, the majority of people who answered the questionnaire were female. The reasoning for this could be that males felt less comfortable to share the information. Or it could just be due to the fact that I don’t know many males… Who knows!

q2

In this next question we can see that the main age range of the people who answered the questionnaire were between 21-30 years of age. 56% were to be exact, 35% were younger and 9% were older. This again could be due purely down to the majority of people I know being around this age.

q3

100% of people who answered the questionnaire were inside of the United Kingdom. This may be the response that it is due to the narrowed sharing of the questionnaire to just my personal profile on Facebook, which contains mainly people from within the UK.

q4

This is where the statistics start to become more interesting… 90% of the people who participated in the survey suffer from a mental illness of some sort. if we times that by 10, that’s 90% of my friends list on Facebook suffering from something. It’s rather sad to think about.

q5

47% of people were diagnosed with a mental illness within the last 5 years. Now, again… This could be due to the fact of the age of the majority of people who answered these questions.

q6

67% felt that they could talk to someone about their troubles, however… 26% felt like they could not. I wonder if this is due to the stigma of feeling weak if they ask for help.

q7

Now approximately 73% of the people who answered suffer from a form of anxiety, while not far behind is 65% of people suffering from depression. These are two of the most common forms of mental illness… Yet there are still so many people struggling to find help… This needs to change. Other answers I got that I didn’t mention in the answers were OCD, Major Depressive Disorder and Body Dysmorphia.

q8

And again, a saddening statistic, 98% of people know someone who is suffering from am Mental Illness right now.

As an employee of the NHS and a current sufferer of Mental Illnesses, I feel that we need far more funding to support the people who so desperately need help. Currently only 15% of the people who suffer from Mental Illnesses are getting the help they need. What about the others? The people who can’t speak up due to fear, judgement and prejudice.

The NHS needs more like-minded people to get their services running at the best of their abilities. Please, if you have the chance to jump at a job in the NHS and more specifically Mental Health… Please take it, we need all the help we can get in such an under budgeted sector.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

I Could Have Died

​Uploading this is something I didn’t think I would be doing, for the last 12 months I’ve had a horrendous obsession with alcohol. Far beyond someone my age. I’ve been sectioned, arrested twice and taken to Hospital.

I guess you could class this as a form of illness. I’ve tried cutting down on drinking many times over the last year but so much shit happened that it was my main coping mechanism.

I see people talking about how they’ve been gobby to the police or have had a slagging match with the local drunk. But this is a far bigger issue…
Every single time last year I tried taking my life – I was wankered. Alcohol gave me a safety blanket from my feelings so I cared less about my thoughts and actions.

In particular – spirits (Rum, Jäger and Vodka were always my choices).I would mix my drinks heavily on a night out and had a bad habit of ‘blacking out’ midway through the night. I could barely rememeber anything the next day.

I’ve known deep down that I’ve needed to either heavily cut down on alcohol or completely stop drinking for the last year. I’ve just been too coward to do it, the thought of being the boring one on a night out criticising how shit the tacky decor and sticky floor in Popworld is. I wanted to be the party animal, the life of the party I guess you could say.

But I’d always get the wrong attention, it would either be a crowd of people seeing me about to attempt suicide or the police cornering me to try and get me in a meat wagon.

After heavy drinking, I’ve ended up attacking my best friend. My own parents, (there is video footage of this that I may add to this at a later date). Almost screwing up my NHS career because of my stupid addiction to drinking.

Everyone else carries on even through my bollocks, the only person I’m screwing up and putting in jeopardy is myself. It’s hard to think that I’ve abused myself as much as I have at such a young age. I’m not even 21 yet and I could be 6 feet under right now.

I could have lost my life so many times last year but I didn’t so that’s telling me that I need to push on through this battle and win the fight.

The video this is linked to is from New Year just gone (so 8 days ago). I don’t remember anything from the night. As you can hear in the video, my body temperature was 35.7°c, 0.7°c above Hypothermia, if I had fallen below that I could have died easily. 

My heart rate was 124 bpm due to me being so cold. My Oxygen Saturation was 95% which is considered normal. I hit my head 3 times that night, once on a radiator, once on the floor and once suspected on a toilet seat.

I was refusing to go to Hospital, I just wanted to head home and sleep it off. But because I had hit my head, I had concussion so they took me in to Hospital to get checked out. I was asleep as we went into 2017 and ended up with huge lumps all over my head (I looked like the Himalayas!)

To everyone that night who was there for me, I’m so sorry for it all. I also thankyou so much for being there, especially everyone in the video. I’m so grateful of you. 

So we are now in the New Year, I’ve quit smoking, I’m staying sober for 7 months until my 21st and even then I’m only going to have a few on my birthday.

I’m never letting myself become so dependant on alcohol ever again. I almost fucked my life up, I almost ended my life.

My family have almost turned their backs on me a number of times, I’ve destroyed some of my closes friendships from this.

If you’re struggling, please please please don’t get yourself in a position like this. You can get out of this situation, I promise you.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you!

🙂

Young, Dumb and Full of Cum

So today is the day we all look back over the last year and sift through the great memories we’ve made and also all of the utter bollocks that we’ve been through.

As a soon to be 21-year-old, I can’t help but notice that many people my age are wanting to grow up too fast. They’re rushing through the months as if they have nothing better to do. They don’t seem to be taking time out right now to appreciate what they have around them.

Everyone wants it to be next year so they can do the things they want, but I have a question for all of those people… why wish today away when you could be doing that thing right now?

I’ve witnessed so many young adults, including myself, go through one heck of a year. A ton of my friends have either got engaged or are pregnant/have had children. Others have had their hearts ripped out and have spiralled out of control like I did.

Young people are so hard on themselves nowadays, they feel so pressured to be things that not everyone’s cut out to be. Fuck being a beauty guru, shove your diet out the window and just be happy!

Being young isn’t about being serious, it’s about having fun. Some people’s idea of fun is having a family, good on you! For many of us, it’s about letting our hair down and finally growing into ourselves.

From the beginning of the year up until now, I’ve changed a lot. At the beginning of the year I felt like I always needed someone to rely on and that I wouldn’t be happy by myself. It took my last relationship to realise that I was more than capable of being a happy single young woman.

The days of meaningless one night flings are gone, the drug taking has been knocked on the head and I’ve finally settled into being a much more confident me.

My New Years resolution is not to quit smoking, to stop eating certain foods or to keep fit. My resolution is just for me to stay happy, to stay at peace with myself like I have been recently. The spark that I thought I’d lost has completely returned.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

5 Years On 

As people may or may not know (depending on how much of my blog they have read)… today marks 5 years since I was groomed and sexually assaulted by someone who was close to my family and I.

These last 5 years have been fucking hard, growing up with the weight of a sexual assault on your shoulders completely changes you. I was introduced to the world of sex way before my time and it’s had a massive impact on my sexual relations since.

The amount of time I’ve had to end having sex with someone because I’ve broken down in tears is countless. The amount of times I’ve had nightmares about that night cannot be counted. Being so vulnerable and easily manipulated at such a young age is sickening.

Being preyed on and betrayed by someone I trusted is still hard to accept. It’s completely screwed up my trust in people, I can’t allow people to get too close to me. I can’t commit to relationships in fear that it will haunt me forever.

Going through the mental trauma that’s caused by something like this is indescribable, I still think that I see him everywhere, I still replay the things he said to me in my head. It’s such an embarrassing thing to go through. I still blame myself to this day about what happened.

Maybe I could have been more aware? Maybe I could have done something differently?

But the truth is, no one is ever prepared for something like that to happen to them. No one ever thinks that someone close to them could fuck their lives up that much.

It was a year ago I tried to hang myself while on holiday because I couldn’t handle what had happened – and this was 4 years on.

Now, I’m a stronger person than I ever had been. I almost never wrote my blog in fear that he may stumble across it one day and read it. But if you ever do see this, fuck you. You are disgusting.

Never let something like this rule your life forever.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂