Forgiving my rapist

Okay so this is going to be blurted out how I’m thinking it. Today has been the most difficult and incredible day of my entire life so far. For the last few weeks my depression has hit absolute rock bottom, the worst it has been since I was diagnosed 4 years ago.

I never thought about seeking revenge from the person who sexually assaulted me because I was too caught up in my own self blame. I was too busy hurting myself or thinking I had done something wrong.

He seemed far more repairable than how I was left after the situation. No amount of hatred I had or loathing for vengeance would heal my mental scars.

I never once thought I would do what I did today, I never experienced any anger towards this man. Only sympathy, emptiness and guilt. The whole “wrong place, wrong time” saying.

My mind has been replaying these raw emotions in the back of my mind for a few weeks and it really hit the surface only a few days ago. I’d suppressed the memories so much due to how much trauma it caused me at such a young age. I have been barely a shadow of the person I was half a year ago. I’ve not recognised myself recently. 

I decided that the only way I would heal the wounds from what happened was forgiveness.

Today, I forgave my rapist.

I made him aware of the demons I have faced at the hands of what had happened. That my life spiralled out of control after December 24th 2011 at around 10:45pm.

I wanted acknowledgement for what had happened to me so I didn’t feel like I was another rape victim swept under the carpet. I got the apology I so truly deserved.

To many people, an apology would never even begin to heal the amount of suicide attempts, the self injury and the self hatred I had for over half a decade. But to me; it’s enough to move on.

To know I am a strong woman who has dealt with a traumatic experience, speaks reams about how far I have come in this time.

Forgiveness is not going to be everyone’s way to get closure. But it’s finally going to help me heal.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

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13 Reasons Why You Should Stay Alive

In light of the series ’13 Reasons Why’, I thought it’d be an idea to write a list of 13 reasons why you shouldn’t turn to suicide. In the last 365 days, I’ve tried committing suicide 5 times… each time regretting the last. 

I’m not going to sugar coat this blog post in anyway. I’ve been there, tried it multiple times and have come out the otherside. Trust me, it’s dumb. 

Death doesn’t relieve any pain

Once you’re gone, that’s it. Death won and you lost the battle. Your pain ends, but you pass your pain and a lot more onto every person around you. Your parents, siblings, work colleagues, friends and even acquaintances. You’ll leave them with sleepless nights, constant tears, guilty minds wondering what they could have done to stop you from being selfish.

You’ve survived up until now

Youve lived 100% of your life up until this moment, you’ve been alive every single second. You’ve been alive while people are out in space and people are at new depths of the Earth’s oceans. The people who made these things possible are just like you and I. Why don’t you achieve greatness too?

You become a statistic

When ONS publish their statistics on suicide, your name won’t get mentioned. You get shoved into a number of anonymous people who ‘were too weak to face life’. All the time you’re here on this planet, you can get your name spoken and your story heard. You can do anything if you stay here another day.

You will find people who are in a similar situation

I’m talking about you – ECS girls! Going through therapy, especially a group setting can really help you piece together your own mind. I met some mad hatters in my last therapy group, but they’re the best and I know they’re always there for me to talk to if I need to!

You owe it to youself to heal

You should allow yourself the chance to mend, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You may think that the end is nigh because right now is difficult. It won’t stay this way forever.

Everything is temporary

“This, too, shall pass”. 

This quote has many different connotations to religion and human history. Nothing will be the same in an hours time, after all… the darkest hour is only 60 minutes long right? Hang on in there for 60 minutes, I promise you’ll be grateful that you did.

The butterfly effect 

If you’re not familiar with this concept, it means that if a butterfly were to flap it’s wings one side of the world, that it could cause a hurricane over the opposite side – small things factor into larger consequences. So if you were to kill yourself, if a butterfly could cause a hurricane… what would your loss cause? Armageddon?

Desiderata

My dad showed me this poem only last night, but a particular section in it resonates with me so much.

“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should”.

You were placed into this universe for a reason and you should not take that privilege lightly.

Things can’t get any worse 

You want to kill yourself, this is the worst it can be. Now it’s a steady climb back up, you have to hit rock bottom before you can start again.

Think about it

As my favourite author Matt Haig said in his book ‘Reasons To Stay Alive’; “three in the morning is never the time to sort your life”. It’s also not the right time to think about ending it either. You should be in a blissful sleep, not aware of your surroundings.

Make a crisis plan

This was the best thing I’ve ever done, my psychiatrist has a copy of my crisis plan incase I ever try and do something stupid again. All I need to do is get someone to phone the MHT and they’ll be guided through what I put down would help me when I’m in distress. Crisis plans include what to say to you/not say to you. Who should be around you and who shouldn’t. Things that can calm you quickly, I have a particular song that zones me out in seconds. Trust me, a crisis plan is literally a life saver.

You are the only ‘you’

You’re made up of star dust, you walk the land that prehistoric creatures roamed hundreds of thousands of years ago. You breathe the same air as every animal on this planet. Heck! You share a large amount of DNA with a banana! You’re such a perfect array of atoms. There will never be another you.

I’ll miss you

I may not know you personally, I may not ever cross your path in life. But every day I take a moment out to mourn in some way to all of the people who are no longer around. Whether I know them or not, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt to know that most of the people who have committed suicide would probably have regretted it if they had failed and survived. From how close I’ve been to death, regret was the only thing that surged through my body. Your soul is too beautiful to destroy.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

BPD and Relationships

I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for around a year now, just as I was meeting my last partner. The diagnosis lifted a massive weight off of my shoulders… but also started to bring on more things that I couldn’t deal with.

Borderline Characteristics

The main characteristics of BPD are a mixture of the list below:

  • Impulsive behaviours
  • Over the top reactions to situations
  • Self harm/suicidal thoughts
  • Intense, quick relationships 
  • Abandonment and rejection worries
  • Emotions are black and white
  • Delusions and hallucinations

Impulsive Behaviours

During my most recent relationship, I acted very irrational sometimes. I drunk a lot to the point he and I were arguing tons about it. I was spending money like there was no tomorrow, again causing a ton of arguments. I felt like I needed to be in control of my own actions and whenever someone told me something, I’d shove two fingers up at them and would do the complete opposite.

Over The Top Reactions 

When we were in the midst of an argument about my drinking or spending, I’d go ham and spend more or drink more just out of spite. It would be me subconsciously saying “I can do what I want and you can’t stop me!” I didn’t want to do it, but I felt I needed to prove a point.

Self Harm and Suicidal Thoughts

These were major issues that I struggled with last year. If we were in bed and I had woken up in the middle of the night. I would feel a huge amount of jealously if he was still asleep, I’d start clawing at my skin until it was broken and bleeding. If I couldn’t get my own way I’d be irrational and would start planning out how I could kill myself with objects in the room. I thought about how easy it would be to grab the fish tank hosing and hook it round my neck. I thought about taking a ton of my anti depressants and downing my bottle of rum that I had barely touched.

Intense and Quick Relationships

I was already talking about how many children I wanted, their full names, where I wanted to live, how I wanted to decorate the house, my wedding dress, the place I wanted to get married, the colour scheme etc. Obviously to anyone this would be a huge throw back, my BPD was saying to me “we’ve been together for 4 months, why has he not decided whether or not he wants to marry me? Is there something wrong with me? Does he not love me? How can I make him love me more? What if I’m jilted?”

My brain would go into unnecessary overdrive, I never told him and I’m sure he just thought I was a grumpy shit most of our relationship.

Abandonment and Rejection Issues

This was a huge part of my concerns when it came to our relationship, especially as it was long distance. I always worried that he’d meet someone else while I was away. That he’d stop tracing MY tattoos with his fingers, that he’d stop tucking MY hair behind MY ear. He wouldn’t want ME anymore. So I started to push him away, when all I wanted was for him to be closer than ever.

Emotions are Black and white

I fail to see the shades of grey between emotions, I’m euphoric or hysterical. There’s rarely an in between, recently I’ve become far better at being able to tone down the extremes of my emotions to a somewhat ‘normal’ level.

Delusions and Hallucinations

These aren’t the sort of delusions/hallucinations where I see fire breathing panda birds. They’re disassociation mechanisms for when I can’t handle my own mind. When things get too much, I’ll zone out and I feel like I’m floating above my own body. I zone into certain sounds like the clock ticking and find it incredibly difficult to pull my attention away. Even when I’m not around a ticking clock, I still hear one sometimes… while I’m walking or on the bus. I’m learning to block them out though.

Dating someone who has BPD, is very tough. But we are some of the most loyal, respectful, all in people you can find. I’d go to the ends of the earth for the people I love. I will forever put them first, but when I hate someone, I feel a huge overwhelming rage whenever I hear someone mention their name.

I’ve got that all under control though, so there shouldn’t be any mayhem caused by me in that respect! 

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

Young, Dumb and Full of Cum

So today is the day we all look back over the last year and sift through the great memories we’ve made and also all of the utter bollocks that we’ve been through.

As a soon to be 21-year-old, I can’t help but notice that many people my age are wanting to grow up too fast. They’re rushing through the months as if they have nothing better to do. They don’t seem to be taking time out right now to appreciate what they have around them.

Everyone wants it to be next year so they can do the things they want, but I have a question for all of those people… why wish today away when you could be doing that thing right now?

I’ve witnessed so many young adults, including myself, go through one heck of a year. A ton of my friends have either got engaged or are pregnant/have had children. Others have had their hearts ripped out and have spiralled out of control like I did.

Young people are so hard on themselves nowadays, they feel so pressured to be things that not everyone’s cut out to be. Fuck being a beauty guru, shove your diet out the window and just be happy!

Being young isn’t about being serious, it’s about having fun. Some people’s idea of fun is having a family, good on you! For many of us, it’s about letting our hair down and finally growing into ourselves.

From the beginning of the year up until now, I’ve changed a lot. At the beginning of the year I felt like I always needed someone to rely on and that I wouldn’t be happy by myself. It took my last relationship to realise that I was more than capable of being a happy single young woman.

The days of meaningless one night flings are gone, the drug taking has been knocked on the head and I’ve finally settled into being a much more confident me.

My New Years resolution is not to quit smoking, to stop eating certain foods or to keep fit. My resolution is just for me to stay happy, to stay at peace with myself like I have been recently. The spark that I thought I’d lost has completely returned.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

It’s The Most Depressing Time Of The Year

It’s December now, so it’s time to reflect on the past 11/12 months! This last year has been the most destructive year of my life to date. I’m going to break it down month by month.

January

To start the year, I was heading to the gym regularly, I was happily a size 6 in clothing and I was feeling more confident than I ever had. However, this was also the month that I was drinking 4-5 times a week, sleeping with random people and off my nut on Ecstasy and Cocaine. I’d hit the self destruct button and there was no going back.

February

February was the same as January pretty much, still drinking shit tons. Still taking a load of drugs. Being a massive whore, I honestly couldn’t give a shit about my body back then. I got caught up in the wrong crowd of people and lost myself completely. 

March

It was back in March that I met my ex Matt, 4 days after a good friend tragically got killed in a Motorbike crash. This was the first time this year that I tried to kill myself, it was also the month that I got shoved into a Psychiatric unit. This was the month that I decided that the drugs were screwing me over massively so I completely knocked them on the head. 

April

April was a bit better, things with Matt had taken off and I was the happiest I had been in many years. I had sworn never to touch drugs again (still clean now 10 months on!). I didn’t try anything stupid this month.

May

I tried ending my life infront of my bestfriend  (fuck knows why he’s stuck about!). I’d been doing so well not to harm myself and I fell straight back to square one again.

June

June was okay I guess, nothing really happened this month.

July

My 20th rolled around! I spent it with some of the best friends ever, I went away with my ex for a weekend into the middle of nowhere and it was amazing! Log fuelled hot tub and everything! (I even broke a bucket list wish of mine… I’m sure smart asses can guess what that was!).

August

Matt and I started hitting a shit patch and our relationship didn’t feel the same anymore but we agreed to carry on trying to make it work.

September

I don’t remember much from then either to be honest. It’s all a blur really.

October 

I couldn’t hack my relationship at this point and headed up to Watford to break up with Matt. I wasn’t as happy as I had been, I felt like I would be able to find someone more capable of helping understand my mind. Two days after the break up I slept with another person, I told him out of complete guilt and he used me as an emotional and verbal punchbag. I didn’t deserve the severity of abuse I got though. 

November

I tried harming myself again this month, but my parents witnessed it. My mum filmed exactly what happened, I ended up assaulting my parents and being shoved in a police cell over night. 

December

This brings us to present day, I am no longer taking drugs, I am not drinking again for a very long time and I am transferring to a vape soon. So I guess I’m #STRAIGHTEDGE. 😉

This year has been fucking tough, but you have to step back before you leap forward. 

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

The Last Week

I decided to lower my anti-depressant dosage last week and have had a lowered dosage of 30mg for the past 6 days.

I’ve noticed some scary changes in that short space of time, ones I’ve not seen since before I started taking them over a year ago.

Irritability

I’ve been irritated by the smallest of things which to a certain extent can be justified. The actions I have taken after however have not been. I’m trying so hard to push this to the side so I can ween myself off them but it’s proving so much harder than I thought.

Anxiety

My anxiety has hit an all time high over the last few days especially, I’ve been adamant that I was being followed. I watched ‘Snowden’ the other day, that sent me into utter meltdown yesterday because I thought everything I typed/said on the phone was being monitored.

I started dodging 3 drains again (anyone who knows me well will be able to vouch for me that they were a huge phobia of mine).

Appetite

My throat has been constantly constricted the past week, eating any meals has been a challenge and I’ve felt sick after every mouthful.

My appetite has been completely suppressed, which is horrible considering I could eat for England before!

Hallucinations

My hallucinations have decided to make a guest appearance these past few days. I’ve been hearing clocks ticking when I’ve been walking outside, I hear what I can only describe as low groans right in my ear. The visual hallucinations are quite amusing though, the world sometimes warps as if I’m in a hall of mirrors – this is by far the best one.

These hallucinations aren’t a bad thing to be honest, I enjoy them sometimes! But when they start reappearing, I know things are only going to get worse.

Reminiscing

The last few days have been difficult, I’ve been missing Matt a lot. I shouldn’t, but I keep asking myself questions about how our relationship broke down and whether it was worth it.

I’m happier now than I was after the breakup, but would I have been happy if we’d stayed together? 

It’s hard to just let go of the one person who knew you better than you knew yourself. I was so bitter towards the end of the relationship, which I regret. I still wish we had left on good terms.

I wish he knew that I don’t hate him the way I viciously made out that I did. If you’re reading this, you know I’m not the kind of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. But I am so sorry for how much I hurt you, I never meant to be that much of a screw up. I hope you find happiness with someone who’ll adore you as much as I did.

Beating myself up

I’ve been mentally abusing myself recently, I keep telling myself I’m not worthy of happiness. I don’t understand how people can love me, I don’t understand why someone would want to put the time in to help me fix myself.

I’m a little girl lost in an adults body, I’m vulnerable most of the time. I become attached too quickly and I don’t love enough. I put my trust in people too often and I isolate myself away from everyone when I need them most.

When do I bounce back from all of this negativity? Things are proving to be really difficult for me right now, the worst they have been in almost a year.

I just need to keep on pushing forwards and I need to stop looking back.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

Suicide Isn’t The Answer

Before anyone reads this… I would like to point out that this blog post may be particularly triggering. If you find that you’re easily triggered, please for your own sake. Do not read this post.

I’ve knowingly had depression now for around 5 years… It started back in school when I was suffering terribly from acne. I would miss school for weeks on end because of how self conscious I had become about it. This was the start of me shutting myself off from the world, I literally felt like an alien in my own skin.

My head progressively spiralled for the rest of the years until present day.

I started keeping a very small, personal blog that only 2 other people have read. I was having suicidal thoughts almost daily, but only wrote down my feelings when I couldn’t rationalise the thoughts.

To read those posts from early 2014 through until late last year, click here. The password is ‘death’, charming ay? 
Now, back to the point of this post. I thought I’d share my own experiences with trying to end my life, what I was thinking and how I felt. 

In the earlier days I tried drowning myself, it never worked out (evidently).

I went down to the local fort, got completely undressed and just froze staring at the moat. I ended up phoning an ex who had known what I was like who thankfully talked me out of it. I don’t remember thinking much other than “I need to do this”, “what have I honestly got to lose?”.

I tried over-dosing while my partner back in 2013 was asleep by my side. I took handful after handful of Paracetamol tablets. Then drunk half a bottle of wine, I was in excruciating agony… but still didn’t die.

The time after that, I had been out and was heading home. I tried running to the back of the Gosport ferry, managed to get a leg over the side before being hauled back on board by the poor guys who drive the boat. I was hysterical that night…

The fifth time was early last year when I had been out with my friend Harry, we’d been out on a Monday. Something just switched in my head. It was this particular time that I had noticed that I started to get an odd feeling, which I can only describe as ‘scarabs under the skin’ – just like in The Mummy. I was again on the ferry home, I threw my shoes off and ran straight to the back and jumped. It was just as well that Harry was there, who caught me just under my arms as my feet hit the water’s surface.

The time after that was Christmas just gone, the family and I had gone away to Northampton for a week. Christmas is the worst time of year for me (as explained in my first blog post). I had an argument with my dad and I couldn’t hack it. I ended up running to the bedroom, locking the door and grabbing a knitted scarf that I absolutely loved. I went straight into the walk in wardrobe – which had a sturdy clothing rail in it. I tied the noose around my neck and strung myself up. I remember feeling my eyes bulging from their sockets, I rememeber drifting in and out of consciousness. I could feel the pulse of my heart in my temples becoming slower and slower. At this point, the scarf became loose from the rail and I fell into a heap on the floor. I thought that, being quite close to death would kick me up the arse… nope!

On March 12 this year, I started getting the skin crawling feeling… I again tried to jump off the ferry. This time though, it was far worse than before. I managed to clamber over the edge of the ferry. By this point, the guys on the ferry were restraining me on the floor. I was kicking and screaming for them to let me go. The ferry was packed to the brim but I was being selfish. I got taken off the ferry and was told I was banned from it, I was a hazard to their business aswell as my own life. They’d seen me deteriorate rapidly on several different nights in two years and they just couldn’t take the risk anymore. 

I was escorted off the ferry, when I tried darting round the fencing to jump straight back into the water. This was the time that a Police boat in the harbour pulled up to make sure nothing happened. My friend Lisa was the one person who saved my life that night. She hauled me back and was clinging onto me literally for dear life. She was crying, she didn’t know what to do. The police had now been called and they tackled me to the ground. All that was running through my head was that I needed to be in the water. The thought of the silence was pushing me to keep trying. 

I was put into a police van and was detained under section 136 of the Mental Health Act which is basically an act to take someone who is mentally ill to an urgent safe place to avoid harm to themselves. I was shoved in the back of the van with cuffs on, my dad then arrived with my brother and was trying to see me. I heard his voice and was screaming, I just wanted to see him and to get those bloody cuffs off my wrists! 

I somehow managed to persuade them to get them off my wrists so I could get out the van for some air and a fag. Of course, my only intention was to dart back down the tunnel to the water. I got about half way before I was rugby tackled to the floor by two police officers. Now I’m only 5’6″ and a size 8… but two officers had to tackle me. I was adamant that I was ending my life. A crowd of people had started to gather by this point, there must have been at least 5o of ’em. 

I got shoved straight in the back of the van and was taken to Cosham where I got transferred to two Medisec workers. I didn’t want to be alone with two men for obvious reasons. I was so distressed I could barely breathe. I got taken up to Antelope House in Southampton which is a psychiatric unit. I was allowed to have a female in the room with me which was fantastic considering my state. 

One of the Medisec workers let me have half of his Twix, bless him. They were all so very supportive, I was however put into a white-walled cell. I can understand why people in places like that get worse. 

You feel like an animal in a cage, for something you can’t help. You feel like you’re part of a freak show. I got discharged god knows how long later after a 2 hour evaluation from a psychiatrist and welfare officer. 

It doesn’t stop there though! My best friend Brad and I had gone out to Tiger. We had a brilliant night, but I started getting the crawling under my skin feeling… We had got a taxi round from Portsmouth back to Gosport. We were almost back when Brad remembered he needed to get some money out to pay the driver. I saw this as a green card. I jumped out the taxi and started running straight towards an oncoming car. Brad saw me darting towards it and dragged me out of the road. 

I was in such a state that I started attacking him, my own bestfriend. I was biting him, slapping him and kicking him to let me go. This time, I got arrested for drunken disorderly. When I arrived at the police station, they had no record of the medication I needed to take, no record of my mental health, absolutely nothing.

That was back in Mayyyyyy (I think..?) and since then I’ve had no urges to do something silly again. I’ve almost finished my therapy group which has helped me a lot.

I’ve also landed myself a job working with people who also have mental illnesses and I’m training currently!

If you’re in a desperate situation…

Speak up!

Don’t let yourself suffer in silence.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.

🙂

*Note*

My bestfriend wrote a song draft about what happened that night… here’s a taster…

“You look both ways before crossing a one way street, you’ve lost faith in humanity. I am the only one you confide in. 

Drinking was the gateway to it all. I saw you rise, then I watched you fall. You questioned your existence, multiple times you attempted to give up.

Those headlights were not meant for you, pushing you back was all I could do.”