As people may or may not know (depending on how much of my blog they have read)… today marks 5 years since I was groomed and sexually assaulted by someone who was close to my family and I.
These last 5 years have been fucking hard, growing up with the weight of a sexual assault on your shoulders completely changes you. I was introduced to the world of sex way before my time and it’s had a massive impact on my sexual relations since.
The amount of time I’ve had to end having sex with someone because I’ve broken down in tears is countless. The amount of times I’ve had nightmares about that night cannot be counted. Being so vulnerable and easily manipulated at such a young age is sickening.
Being preyed on and betrayed by someone I trusted is still hard to accept. It’s completely screwed up my trust in people, I can’t allow people to get too close to me. I can’t commit to relationships in fear that it will haunt me forever.
Going through the mental trauma that’s caused by something like this is indescribable, I still think that I see him everywhere, I still replay the things he said to me in my head. It’s such an embarrassing thing to go through. I still blame myself to this day about what happened.
Maybe I could have been more aware? Maybe I could have done something differently?
But the truth is, no one is ever prepared for something like that to happen to them. No one ever thinks that someone close to them could fuck their lives up that much.
It was a year ago I tried to hang myself while on holiday because I couldn’t handle what had happened – and this was 4 years on.
Now, I’m a stronger person than I ever had been. I almost never wrote my blog in fear that he may stumble across it one day and read it. But if you ever do see this, fuck you. You are disgusting.
Never let something like this rule your life forever.
If Kiwi can cope, so can you.