Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder, symptoms of this can be extreme emotional reactions that seem inappropriate, fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, impulsive behaviour patterns and self destructive behaviours. This affects approximately 1-2% of the population in the UK.
I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for just over a year now, to start with I just assumed that my personality had changed because I was growing older. To a certain extent… it’s true – you do change over time.
I’ve never been able to hold down a relationship with anyone. I still don’t understand how to commit to someone fully. The idea of commitment scares the living daylights out of me, I don’t understand why people want to make themselves so vulnerable by opening up to someone and trusting them with everything. I have still never been able to fully open up about everything to anyone – I’m so scared just incase that day does come around.
I get stressed and angry very easily over the smallest things. If I can’t find a matching pair of socks I burst into tears, if I can’t go to the toilet because someone’s in it I get really angry and start pinching at my arms in frustration. If I can’t be in control of a situation I lose my mind. I’ve been called a control-freak many times before, I guess it’s true to a certain extent. When my BPD gets bad, it’s my way or no way and I’ll be the most stubborn bitch on this planet!
I feel like I’m incapable of loving someone, I lack empathy and thought in what I say or do. I prioritise things completely wrong. I’m sat here currently in almost £2000 worth of debt due to how impulsive I am with money. I have two debt collection companies on my back. Making my stress levels even higher, making me want to spend more money to cheer myself up. Meaning that I stay stuck in this rut.
I’ve got myself caught up in a stupid downward spiral, I never look to the future… I only live in the here and now which has had a negative impact on my life.
I was sleeping around at the beginning of the year, I was taking drugs and was drinking constantly. I wondered why I felt shit back then. I wonder why!
I think the worst part of BPD though is thinking you won’t ever be loved. I feel so isolated and lonely at times, I can’t get out of bed to get food. I just sleep the days away. The thought of never meeting someone who will take the time out to support me through whatever shit my mind throws at me is hard to accept.
I don’t feel like I’m cut out to be loved by someone because the second I am cared for. I become scared, I get too worried about all of the negativity that it drives me away from things that could make me happy.
I am completely a free spirit and never want that to be compromised. I can’t be with someone who tells me what to do, where to go, what to wear, who I can spend my time with.
The only love I need right now is self love, it’s the only thing that keeps me going.
If Kiwi can cope, so can you.