It’s December now, so it’s time to reflect on the past 11/12 months! This last year has been the most destructive year of my life to date. I’m going to break it down month by month.
To start the year, I was heading to the gym regularly, I was happily a size 6 in clothing and I was feeling more confident than I ever had. However, this was also the month that I was drinking 4-5 times a week, sleeping with random people and off my nut on Ecstasy and Cocaine. I’d hit the self destruct button and there was no going back.
February was the same as January pretty much, still drinking shit tons. Still taking a load of drugs. Being a massive whore, I honestly couldn’t give a shit about my body back then. I got caught up in the wrong crowd of people and lost myself completely.
It was back in March that I met my ex Matt, 4 days after a good friend tragically got killed in a Motorbike crash. This was the first time this year that I tried to kill myself, it was also the month that I got shoved into a Psychiatric unit. This was the month that I decided that the drugs were screwing me over massively so I completely knocked them on the head.
April was a bit better, things with Matt had taken off and I was the happiest I had been in many years. I had sworn never to touch drugs again (still clean now 10 months on!). I didn’t try anything stupid this month.
I tried ending my life infront of my bestfriend (fuck knows why he’s stuck about!). I’d been doing so well not to harm myself and I fell straight back to square one again.
June was okay I guess, nothing really happened this month.
My 20th rolled around! I spent it with some of the best friends ever, I went away with my ex for a weekend into the middle of nowhere and it was amazing! Log fuelled hot tub and everything! (I even broke a bucket list wish of mine… I’m sure smart asses can guess what that was!).
Matt and I started hitting a shit patch and our relationship didn’t feel the same anymore but we agreed to carry on trying to make it work.
I don’t remember much from then either to be honest. It’s all a blur really.
I couldn’t hack my relationship at this point and headed up to Watford to break up with Matt. I wasn’t as happy as I had been, I felt like I would be able to find someone more capable of helping understand my mind. Two days after the break up I slept with another person, I told him out of complete guilt and he used me as an emotional and verbal punchbag. I didn’t deserve the severity of abuse I got though.
I tried harming myself again this month, but my parents witnessed it. My mum filmed exactly what happened, I ended up assaulting my parents and being shoved in a police cell over night.
This brings us to present day, I am no longer taking drugs, I am not drinking again for a very long time and I am transferring to a vape soon. So I guess I’m #STRAIGHTEDGE. 😉
This year has been fucking tough, but you have to step back before you leap forward.
If Kiwi can cope, so can you.