The Last Week

I decided to lower my anti-depressant dosage last week and have had a lowered dosage of 30mg for the past 6 days.

I’ve noticed some scary changes in that short space of time, ones I’ve not seen since before I started taking them over a year ago.


I’ve been irritated by the smallest of things which to a certain extent can be justified. The actions I have taken after however have not been. I’m trying so hard to push this to the side so I can ween myself off them but it’s proving so much harder than I thought.


My anxiety has hit an all time high over the last few days especially, I’ve been adamant that I was being followed. I watched ‘Snowden’ the other day, that sent me into utter meltdown yesterday because I thought everything I typed/said on the phone was being monitored.

I started dodging 3 drains again (anyone who knows me well will be able to vouch for me that they were a huge phobia of mine).


My throat has been constantly constricted the past week, eating any meals has been a challenge and I’ve felt sick after every mouthful.

My appetite has been completely suppressed, which is horrible considering I could eat for England before!


My hallucinations have decided to make a guest appearance these past few days. I’ve been hearing clocks ticking when I’ve been walking outside, I hear what I can only describe as low groans right in my ear. The visual hallucinations are quite amusing though, the world sometimes warps as if I’m in a hall of mirrors – this is by far the best one.

These hallucinations aren’t a bad thing to be honest, I enjoy them sometimes! But when they start reappearing, I know things are only going to get worse.


The last few days have been difficult, I’ve been missing Matt a lot. I shouldn’t, but I keep asking myself questions about how our relationship broke down and whether it was worth it.

I’m happier now than I was after the breakup, but would I have been happy if we’d stayed together? 

It’s hard to just let go of the one person who knew you better than you knew yourself. I was so bitter towards the end of the relationship, which I regret. I still wish we had left on good terms.

I wish he knew that I don’t hate him the way I viciously made out that I did. If you’re reading this, you know I’m not the kind of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. But I am so sorry for how much I hurt you, I never meant to be that much of a screw up. I hope you find happiness with someone who’ll adore you as much as I did.

Beating myself up

I’ve been mentally abusing myself recently, I keep telling myself I’m not worthy of happiness. I don’t understand how people can love me, I don’t understand why someone would want to put the time in to help me fix myself.

I’m a little girl lost in an adults body, I’m vulnerable most of the time. I become attached too quickly and I don’t love enough. I put my trust in people too often and I isolate myself away from everyone when I need them most.

When do I bounce back from all of this negativity? Things are proving to be really difficult for me right now, the worst they have been in almost a year.

I just need to keep on pushing forwards and I need to stop looking back.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.



Author: KiwiCanCope

Kiwi | 20 | South England | NHS I'm a tattoo fanatic. This blog is honest, brutal and possibly upsetting to some readers.

One thought on “The Last Week”

  1. These kinds of side effects are one of the reasons I’m reluctant to get back on meds for my depression. But nothing else is working, so I’m thinking I will.

    I hope things improve for you.


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