I decided to lower my anti-depressant dosage last week and have had a lowered dosage of 30mg for the past 6 days.
I’ve noticed some scary changes in that short space of time, ones I’ve not seen since before I started taking them over a year ago.
I’ve been irritated by the smallest of things which to a certain extent can be justified. The actions I have taken after however have not been. I’m trying so hard to push this to the side so I can ween myself off them but it’s proving so much harder than I thought.
My anxiety has hit an all time high over the last few days especially, I’ve been adamant that I was being followed. I watched ‘Snowden’ the other day, that sent me into utter meltdown yesterday because I thought everything I typed/said on the phone was being monitored.
I started dodging 3 drains again (anyone who knows me well will be able to vouch for me that they were a huge phobia of mine).
My throat has been constantly constricted the past week, eating any meals has been a challenge and I’ve felt sick after every mouthful.
My appetite has been completely suppressed, which is horrible considering I could eat for England before!
My hallucinations have decided to make a guest appearance these past few days. I’ve been hearing clocks ticking when I’ve been walking outside, I hear what I can only describe as low groans right in my ear. The visual hallucinations are quite amusing though, the world sometimes warps as if I’m in a hall of mirrors – this is by far the best one.
These hallucinations aren’t a bad thing to be honest, I enjoy them sometimes! But when they start reappearing, I know things are only going to get worse.
The last few days have been difficult, I’ve been missing Matt a lot. I shouldn’t, but I keep asking myself questions about how our relationship broke down and whether it was worth it.
I’m happier now than I was after the breakup, but would I have been happy if we’d stayed together?
It’s hard to just let go of the one person who knew you better than you knew yourself. I was so bitter towards the end of the relationship, which I regret. I still wish we had left on good terms.
I wish he knew that I don’t hate him the way I viciously made out that I did. If you’re reading this, you know I’m not the kind of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. But I am so sorry for how much I hurt you, I never meant to be that much of a screw up. I hope you find happiness with someone who’ll adore you as much as I did.
Beating myself up
I’ve been mentally abusing myself recently, I keep telling myself I’m not worthy of happiness. I don’t understand how people can love me, I don’t understand why someone would want to put the time in to help me fix myself.
I’m a little girl lost in an adults body, I’m vulnerable most of the time. I become attached too quickly and I don’t love enough. I put my trust in people too often and I isolate myself away from everyone when I need them most.
When do I bounce back from all of this negativity? Things are proving to be really difficult for me right now, the worst they have been in almost a year.
I just need to keep on pushing forwards and I need to stop looking back.
If Kiwi can cope, so can you.