I never thought I would be sat here preaching this, I could only ever dream of the day. But lo and behold, here I am. Saying the things I never thought I’d be saying.
I am happy once again, not a false happiness that I used to put on. Forcing smiles when I was crumbling inside.
This happiness I am feeling currently, I haven’t felt since my early childhood. It’s the kind of happiness that’s peaceful, I have no dread or self hatred looming over me anymore. I don’t feel as desolate as I once did. I can get through things nowadays.
I used to try to avoid situations that would trigger my anxieties and debilitate me. I use to have a massive phobia of causing bad luck. If I broke a mirror I would cry, if I walked across 3 drains I would have a horrendous panic attack. I couldn’t sit on public transport without crying and I could never walk under scaffolding. I purposefully make sure that I do all of the things against my anxieties. I always ask myself “what’s the worst thing that could happen?”.
I am a much stronger person than I give myself credit for. I have finally started to come out the otherside of the dark tunnel that is depression. I am a strong human being.
The key to my recovery has been communication and patience. Having my family by my side through every trauma has been a blessing. When I tried doing things to myself, I never realised how much I was impacting on them. My violent outbursts, not respecting my own body, trying endless times to end my life. I was being selfish, people try and say that suicide and selfharm are not selfish.
Yes, it is selfish.
Ending your life has so many more implications than just you not breathing anymore. Your family will have to live out the rest of their days feeling guilty, asking themselves what they could have done to stop you. They’ll blame themselves until the end. The friends you would leave behind, they’re just an extension of family.
Super cliché but time is the best healer. I for one, never believed it. I’m one of the most stubborn tossers you will ever meet. So if I’m saying it’s true, then it must be. Granted, I can’t give a time frame, but for all the time you’ve got hope to get better.
If Kiwi can cope, so can you.