I don’t even know how to begin this post, there’s so much shit that I need to get off my chest. For the last couple of weeks I’ve only been thinking about the positive things that I wanted to salvage from my most recent relationship.
But this evening, reality hit me in the face like a frying pan. Things were never as dandy as I was remembering them.
You are the massive hypocrite, you are the liar in all of this.
I let you know the vulnerable side of me, the side no one had ever seen before. I let you see me on my darkest days, the days I never wanted to be around anymore.
You told me that alcohol was the issue and that if I stopped drinking that it would help clear my head. Maybe you were right, but did it ever occur to you that that wasn’t the only problem.
Did it ever occur to you that YOUR actions were also a massive problem!?
I glossed over the harsh reality. I glossed over the fact that you had humiliated me in public when you were drunk, screaming at me in a kebab shop. Shouting so the entirety of Portsmouth could hear the words “my name is Ciara Booth and I’ll sleep with anyone”.
You threatened to verbally attack my mum when you were drunk, saying you’d wake her up and scream “fuck off” in her face just to get payback on me for the time I was upset with your mum after she’d said something about me. I was devastated and needed her to get away from me.
Do you remember the time you woke up in your car in the driver’s seat with the keys in the ignition? Not remembering how you got there, what you’d done the night before or where you’d been and who you were with because you got absolutely smashed!? I remember you telling your mum that your battery was flat because you left the inside light on. You know that’s a lie.
Do you remember the time a few weeks ago when you went out with your bestfriend, you were supposed to stay at his… but no. You drove home drunk and even video called me when you got back. The next day you remembered absolutely nothing!
I AM THE ONE WITH A DRINK PROBLEM?
Yes I’ve made mistakes when I’ve drunk. I’ve accepted them now though, I’m dealing with the consequences.
You made me feel like I was walking on eggshells so often that it became the norm. You would get paranoid if I wanted to go to Astoria on a Monday because a couple of my ex’s went there that I never even speak to anymore.
You made assumptions about things, you would make me feel like shit all over a misunderstanding on YOUR part.
In your living room, you were shouting at me. I asked you to stop, I was hysterically crying. Begging you to leave me alone, but you continued until I couldn’t take it anymore.
You thought that saying sorry in bed would fix the way you made me feel so worthless?
I have never said I was a saint. I’ve always been honest and open about things. I have flaws and I struggle every so often, but I think it’s now time for you to do the same.
You’ve probably tainted many peoples views on me and I’m okay with that.
You need to be honest to yourself and those around you. About all this bullshit that you’re hiding. The drink driving and the fact that you struggle.
I don’t want anything to do with you anymore, but for your own sake…
Don’t be a hypocrite!
Even recently when we spoke you’ve vented your anger and I allowed it because I felt like I deserved it. I don’t deserve to feel attacked anymore.
“I love you, but please if not for me, your friends, your family or even yourself….be honest with yourself that you need help and you won’t have to live a lie any more”.
This isn’t to make you feel worse, it’s to simply say I wasn’t the only one who made big mistakes.
If Kiwi can cope, so can you.