Ups and Downs

Today I woke up from a dream with tears streaming down my face and a massive aching in my chest. Moments before I was asleep next to the one person I love, cuddled up in amongst the covers. He was sleeping peacefully, the lines on his forehead twitched every now and then. My hair was stuck in his velcro-like facial hair. Our limbs were entwined – anyone looking at us would have thought we were the Hindu God Vishnu.

Citalopram is a godsend and a product from hell all in one. I get vivid, mundane dreams that I could swear are real. I’ve found that I have a sensory element to many of my dreams. I can feel things and even on occasions, taste things.

Dreams like this are just another addition to the long list of things that come with a breakup I guess.

I tried to convince myself that I could get through it positively – that was just a hard exterior. The best way to visualise it is like a crustacean. I’ve got a strong exoskeleton, but take that away and I’m a delicate, squishy blob. 

The best way to get through things like this, is to not think of yourself as a vulnerable squishy blob… but it’s okay to be one from time to time. There isn’t a right way to deal with situations like this. Just make sure you sort it out the way YOU need to. People can give you all the advice in the world, but that’s usually just going on their experiences. Which could be completely different to anything that you have experienced.

Take time out to find yourself again, after a long relationship. ‘You’ doesn’t feel the same anymore, ‘you’ are an alien to yourself. It was always ‘we’ and ‘us’.

But you were always there, turn the ‘W’ in ‘we’ upside down – it becomes ‘me’. Take the ‘s’ out of ‘us’, you then become ‘u’ again. 

You may feel lost right now, but you will always find yourself again. Even in the midst of what seems like Armageddon.

If Kiwi can cope, so can you.



Author: KiwiCanCope

Kiwi | 20 | South England | NHS I'm a tattoo fanatic. This blog is honest, brutal and possibly upsetting to some readers.

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